The Christmas Shopping Strategic Manoever

I'm ALMOST done Christmas shopping. I will be ALMOST done Christmas shopping for the next four days, because I am never really DONE Christmas shopping until the malls close on the 24th and I can't buy any more stuff. (Even then, my friend Kelly has been known to stop by the 7-11 on her way home from Midnight Mass to pick up some peanuts and windshield wiper fluid for her dad.)

I've been very good this year, stayed on budget and I did not clock anyone, much as I felt like it. Over the years I've learned a few strategies to make it less likely that I end up on the news.

• Shop Early. The Mister and I started a strict "cash only" policy when it comes to Christmas presents when we first got married, and it's been very nice to not have any credit card bills coming in in January. But this means we have to buy a few presents every week, starting around Halloween. Sometimes that means people get Jack o' Lantern socks or goblin-themed wrapping paper, but that's what they get.
• Wear appropriate footwear. High heels and smooth soles are right out of the question for Christmas shopping; you need something that will let you bob and weave while moving at Mach I like a runningback at the Super Bowl. It helps if the floor is dry, too.
• Wear thin layers. For some reason, they keep the malls at a temperature that is appropriate for growing bananas. This might be comfortable for the staff, but when I am wearing a winter coat, boots, a scarf and a turtleneck, I can create my own weather system just walking around. Wearing polar fleece and shedding layers like a demented stripper is the only way to make it work.
• Avoid crowds. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of herds of lumbering wildebeest with shopping bags. I get to the mall when it opens, and, with any luck, am leaving within a half an hour. This sometimes means that I grab the first thing I see when I get in the door (hence the Jack o' Lantern socks) but anyone getting a present from me knows what they're getting into.
• Shop on-line first. How much do I love the internet? So much I would marry it, if I could. Being able to go on-line to see if they have it before I venture out is worth the price of admission alone. And I know you are wondering why I just don't do ALL of my shopping on-line, and that is because I've tried to, and although things like books are just fine to get without seeing them, the time that Barb the Receptionist bought a Ralph Lauren t-shirt in Large that barely fit a then-8-year-old Thing 2 has made me wary.
• Do not mutter under your breath. Sadly, I'm not as quiet as I think I am, and when I sigh and talk to myself, it only gets me in trouble. How was I supposed to know the lady in front of me has ears like a cat when I said "Oh, for God's sake, take your 10% off coupon and eat it instead of the chocolates, your ass certainly will be better off"?
• Don't take a cart. I get that stores want to be sure that they don't run out of stuff, but man, do they ever pack themselves tight. There was a Hallmark store I went into recently that had so many candles and ornaments and calendars and crap you couldn't actually get into the store, you had invade it, like Normandy. A cart at Costco is the height of folly. Those carts are big enough to fit in an entire live sheep and a birthday cake and tires anyway, but at Christmas time, the place is so crowded with people and stuff that I imagine if you got a cart, you'd get stuck back in the paper towel department and wouldn't be found until after New Years.
• Revise your plans. You thought you'd get a cashmere scarf for your brother, but they have acrylic ones on sale right by the door? Remember, people don't know what you planned on doing, they only know what they get.
• Wear earplugs. Because if I hear "Saaaaaaanta Claus is comin' to town!" one more time....

Things Your Hairdresser Doesn't Tell You

Like any profession or industry, hairdressing has it’s insider info that we tend to keep to ourselves. Magicians don’t tell you how they do their tricks and we don’t tell you how we water down the shampoo.

1. You know those jars of blue disinfectant you see on the counters? All for show. We hardly ever use them. Apart from the fact that I don’t have time between clients to put every tool in, leave it for 10 minutes and then rinse and dry them, I’m using clean tools on clean scalps, and there’s no need to go through all that. I’ve never heard of Dengue fever or Ebola virus being transmitted by hair. If someone has a scalp condition, then of course I’d clean my combs and brushes off right smart, but for the vast majority? Nah.

2. For the most part, shampoo is shampoo. The only real differences between the stuff you buy at the salon and the stuff you get at the drug store is the amount of water in the bottle. (Salon stuff is more concentrated.) I will say, though, that most clients don’t diagnose their hair properly, and often buy the wrong stuff, which can make problems worse; at least a hairdresser can steer you in the right direction. Also, if you colour your hair, you may want to get your shampoo from the salon; shampoos for colour treated hair really do help keep if from fading. But the difference between a $8 shampoo and a $30 shampoo is negligible.

3. If I don’t have a last appointment booked, I can go home early. If you ask book my last appointment and ARE LATE for it, expect me to be very, very efficient.

4. Rubber necks and moving heads piss us off like you would not believe. If I put your head in a particular position so that I can get at it better, please don’t bounce it right back up. And there’s no need to turn around to talk to me when I’m working behind you, I can hear you just fine. I can’t tell you how many times I have narrowly missed clipping and ear because someone moved their head just as I was closing the scissors. (And just to tell you, we do cut people’s ears sometimes…and those things bleed like the shower scene in “Psycho”.)

5. Unlike doctors and priests, we have no “Code of Confidentiality”. If you tell us something embarrassing or gossipy or hilarious, you can bet that will be bandied around the staff room at the first available opportunity.

6. Just because a hairdresser wins awards and competitions does not always mean that they are a really really good hairdresser. It means that they are very good at winning awards and competitions. Hairdressing competitions have very little to do with what goes on day to day in a salon, so if you go and get your hair done by someone who recently won an award, you may be surprised that they don’t win awards on your head.

But you didn't hear it from me.

Things I Learned This Year

1. It will get better. Nothing stays the same, and no matter how difficult the situation you are dealing with is, it WILL get better eventually. Sometimes "better" isn't what you had in mind, but "better" can mean a lot of things.

2. No matter how many times I try canned salmon, exercising or wearing high heels, I will always hate them.

3. I don't give a rat's ass about Tiger Woods, Jon Gosselin or Brangelina.

4. Not doing things because you are afraid you will fail at them,or that something might go wrong, is a terrible way to live. This year I tried running, fly fishing and golf, and I'm SO glad I did. I changed the way I approached my job, with very satisfying results, and I accepted all invitations that came my way. It's been great.

5. A cat is never going to change his behaviour. He thinks you should change your expectations.

6. I LOVE going south in the winter. I resolve to make much more of an effort to make that happen in the future, because walking on a plane in cold, blustery weather and off a plane into a full-face blast of hot, humid air is about the best feeling in the entire world.

7. My friends and family are kind and wonderful and supportive and interesting and funny. Oh, my God, are they funny. My friends make me laugh so my stomach hurts, and my children can make me wheeze like an old man, and every gathering of my clan is a hoot, and the people I work with are a riot, I value them all immeasurably. (That isn't something new I learned this year, it's something I appreciated even more.)

8. There is a LOT to be said for patience, shutting up, quitting what doesn't make you happy, apologizing sincerely and being content with what you have.

9. There is no such thing as "too much sleep".

10. Saying something nice to every person you come across makes everybody's day better, including yours.

Rules I Followed As A Kid And Still Do.

When you are growing up, there are, reasonably, certain limitations put on your behaviour. Small children generally behave like minature drunken sailors on a 24 hour shore leave, and have to be corralled in such a manner that they present no danger to themselves or anyone else. (Hence the invention of the playpen. Or "baby jail", as it was referred to in our house.)
As children get older they can be trusted to understand that there are rules that need to be followed, so that everyone is safe and order reigns and mommy's head doesn't burst into flames without warning.
And somehow, those rules continue to be obeyed, LONG after the need for such restrictions is no longer applicable. I have come to realize that it is just as well that I did not live in a Communist country as a youngster, or in the confines of a religious cult, because I would be a hopeless slave to whatever doctrine I had been programmed to.

Some of the rules I follow as an adult are:

*Don't EVER adjust the thermostat. There was no point in even ASKING to touch the thermostat or change the temperature in the house when I was growing up , because it would never, ever be given. Because the most heinous crime imaginable was touching the thermostat. Civlizations would crumble and meteors would crash into the earth and nature would mount an assault on humanity if children touched the thermostat. When the Mister and I got married, I spent an entire December weekend freezing in my own house, because it never occurred to me that I could adjust the temperature. Because that would mean touching the thermostat.

*Hands in pockets. When I was a kid, my mother always commanded "hands in pockets" whenever we were in any sort of store with delicate, breakable, forbidden-to-be-touched objects in it. And to this day I cannot be in a china department with my hands unincarcerated, even though I am perfectly capable of keeping them under control.

*Hold a knife by it's blade. When you are walking with a knife, you MUST hold the blade of the knife in your hand, otherwise it will run amok and stab someone. Or you. I can't remember which. But a knife blade unsheathed by the insurmountable armour of your palm is dangerous beyond belief, and I'm horrified whenever I see anyone else dabble in such folly.

*Don't open things with your teeth. Opening packages with your teeth was, to my mother, the most gruesome, horrifying act one human being could commit. I'm not really sure why, perhaps she was afraid that my teeth would shatter to smithereens if they came in close contact with a stubborn popsicle wrapper, I don't know. But to this day, I NEVER use my teeth to open anything, ever, and find myself screeching the same directive to my children whenever I see them do it.

Mrs. Loudshoes' Rules To Live By

1. Say "please" and "thank you". It costs nothing to be polite.

2. Happiness is a choice.

3. Carry a pen.

4. Check in a full length mirror before you leave the house. Rear view, too. And go to the bathroom, while you are at it.

5. Attend funerals, if at all possible. Nobody ever said "well, that funeral was a complete waste of time, I should never have bothered".

6. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. What did you learn from it? (This includes boyfriends, speeding tickets and egregios fashion choices.)

7. Never wake a sleeping baby. You will regret it.

8. Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you. They aren't. They are starring in their own movie, and you are merely playing a bit part in it.

9. Double the vanilla and triple the chocolate in every recipe.

10. If you are old enough to have worn it the first time it was in style, you are too old to wear it the next time around. Yes, really.

Statements That Are Always Lies

There are some statements that we are so used to hearing that we don’t hear them anymore. When I hear the following, I turn it around in my head to hear what the person is really saying:

Don't worry, I'm not really crazy." This is usually said by someone who’s actions and demeanour are so the opposite as to render this sentence moot.

"I'm not trying to be difficult." Then maybe you should stop being difficult.

"I'm not a racist." This is usually said after a statement so outrageously racist that the person feels required to backpedal.

"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings." Just because your intention was not to hurt me, you have done so anyway, and I’m pretty sure you knew that. "No offense, but..." falls into the same category.

"I swear I'm telling the truth." Shouldn’t that be obvious by your behaviour?

"I don't like to complain." But you are going to anyway, right?

“I am stepping down to spend more time with my family.” I love this one. Like, any man in a position of power wouldn’t just do whatever he damn well pleased anyway. “Screw this meeting, I’m going to the beach with my kids!” Usually said by a politician who’s stepping down immediately before some embarrassingly lurid information is made public. (Which, ironically, probably wouldn’t have happened if he had been spending some time with his family.)

“We're not lost!” Then why have we been in this car for three days and all the signs are in Russian?

"The dog ate my homework" They maybe you shouldn’t slather your homework in gravy.

“I run a classy establishment" If you have to say it, you don’t. “Classy” is a funny word; once it’s used it negates itself entirely.

“It's not about the money." Oh, man, its ALL about the money.

“ Your call is important to us". The other day I spent 35 minutes on the phone waiting to talk to an actual human being at Rogers Wireless, and they must have told me this about 50 times. I wanted to set them on fire after that. Really, “your call is important to us” means “you are stuck here because we are entirely uninterested in you and couldn’t possibly care less about providing any service whatsovever to you. We understand that you have no alternative but to put your life on hold and swing slowly in the wind while we get our butts in gear and get around to dealing with you. But “your call is important to us” As if.”

Advice I Routinely Ignore

My lifestyle could hardly be described as "on the edge". I recycle. I floss. I've never been bungee-jumping. I plan my meals a week in advance. Not exactly a rebel. I hate getting into trouble....However, I do have a cavalier attitude to some advice that gets dished out regularly, and I revel in my fiendishness.

1. I never consult my doctor before starting any diet or excercise programme. That's mostly because I never start a diet or exercise programme. But if I did, I would do it with utter abandon.
2. I wash mushrooms under running water. And they fry up just fine, thank you.
3. I never repeat after lathering and rinsing. I know, I know, I'm playing with fire, but that's me.
4. I never dry anything flat. Laying something flat in this house may as well come with the directions "Decorate with sleeping cat".
5. I don't think I've ever used the gentle cycle on the washing machine. I can't imagine owning anything that cannot withstand a sand blaster for getting it clean.
6. I never sift flour. I just measure it and fling it right in the bowl and proceed to bake with it, with nary a thought to it's aeration.
7. I sometimes don't get a flu shot.
8. In all the years I've been colouring my hair, I've never once done a patch test. And lived to tell the tale.
9. I rarely have my hands at the "ten to two" position while driving. My hands are usually at the 6:30 position, or the "reaching for the coffee cup while putting on lip gloss" position.
10. I bring my own licorice into the movie theatre. Because I am not paying $12.00 for a bag of Twizzlers.

But I do recycle. And floss. And I have no intentions of bungee-jumping. But you never know.

Before You Walk Down That Aisle.....

I went to a wedding shower yesterday for one of my husband’s 116 cousins.
(I’m not making this up, he really does have a whole whack of first cousins, so spread out in age that some are grandparents and some are still in high school. This is due to the fact that his grandparents were all married twice, and in a small town, and the combinations of progeny has resulted in the fact that all of them are now related to each other. I can’t explain it to you because I can barely keep it straight in my own head. Suffice it to say, you can’t swing a dead cat in the Mister’s hometown without hitting one of his relatives. )

Anyway, at the shower the guests were given a little piece of paper whereby we were to give the bride a bit of pithy advice on how to make for a happy marriage. (A dangerous game, this….I’d have never approved this at one of my own wedding showers. How do you know the anonymous advice isn’t going to be “run for your life” or “get a different groom”?) I wrote down something not too sappy that I read in a greeting card once.

It made me think about marriages and how they work and why some work and some don’t…it’s a tenuous business. I’m certainly no expert on the subject and I’m no psychologist, but I am a hairdresser, and spend a great deal of my day wondering "WTF?"at the Buick-sized holes in some people's logic. Some people really are just hear to serve as a warning to others.

So, after fifteen years of my own wedded bliss, not to mention 25 years dealing with brides at the salon, I think I may have a few rules to guide the new bride and groom.
1. Marry someone you like. This might seem like a ridiculous truism, but honestly, you’d be surprised at how many couples I meet that don’t seem to like each other very much. When the bride is talking about what an idiot the groom is in the chair on her wedding day, you’ve got to wonder about the long term viability here.
2. Marry someone you like as they are. He’s not going to change after the wedding. He’ll like the same friends as he does now, dress the same way and be enchanted by the same mind-numbing tv. And, news flash? You’re not going to change much, either.
3. Marry someone who gets along with his family. This is a fairly important relationship in anyone’s life, and if he (or you) has a rocky and turbulent connection to his parents and siblings, chances are he’s going to have the same dynamics with you eventually, too. He doesn’t have to adore them or even like them very much; he has to be able to be in the same room with them without flying into a blind rage.
4. Marry someone who’s past it just that. Everyone has some emotional luggage they carry around with them; hopefully they’ve learned from it and moved on. If you have someone who continually brings up that bitch he used to date or suffers from Post Traumatic High School Disorder, then you’re going to be dealing with those for a lo-o-o-o-ong time. And you can also tell a lot about a person by how they treat their ex.
5. Marry someone you actually know. Never walk down the aisle with someone who has been in your life for less than a year, whose family you have not met or who has to ask what your middle name is. You should have traveled together, decorated a Christmas tree, hung wallpaper and seen each other with a raging hangover and/or headcold.
6. Never settle. Marry someone that you think is the greatest thing on God’s green earth. You may not spend every day thinking he is the culmination of thousands of years of evolution, but you really should be able to think it once in a while. And he should think the same of you.

Marriage is the combination of two messy, complicated and usually selfish lives, no wonder so many of them go belly up. I suppose the real secret to a good marriage is compatibility, which boils down to the best advice I could have given the bride: Marry the right person.

It’s as easy and as complicated as that.