Amazing Race 14, Ep. 9

I was tired of the whole Grade Six Girl Drama at the cluebox way before they got to the Amazing Bathmat. I've got plenty of Grade Six Girl Drama going on at home, I don't need it on my tv.
I don't care who was there first or who said what to whom, both Keisha and Luke came off looking like idiots. Would it kill either one of them to wait the, oh, I don't know, 12 tenths of a second for the other one to get out of the way either time? It seems to me that when people claim to be "competitive", it's really an excuse to behave like an asshole.

Too bad for Jaime that this race takes her to places where there are other people. I'm sure she had no idea whatsoever that this whole adventure would entail cities and popular places and people who don't speak English. I certainly hope she is able to go back to her life as a cave-dwelling hermit after this.
I thought her head might actually burst into flames when the dancing judge told them they didn't do the dance properly. Female Dancing Judge was enjoying her authority way too much, if you ask me.

Apparently, you have to either be female, or able to pass as one, to be a cab driver in Guilin.

I loved the two old people eating lunch at the Pit Stop. What a job that would be..."here, sit down, have some tea and rice, and when sweaty, heaving foreigners come tearing up to the mat, say your bit."

The Stuntbrothers never had a chance, did they? Although that was possibly the worst Speed Bump ever....they didn't even have to style those two old ladies. By the way, how much do you think they got paid to be manhandled by those two? I was shouting the whole time "you don't need to shampoo her eyebrows too!!"

Favorite Line of the Night: "We can understand our cabbie when he tells us he doesn't know where he's going".

Speaking Chinese wasn't much of an advantage for Victor and Tammy, although if the calligraphy task had gone a little differently, it might have. I guess the whole idea of the tast was that you had to copy the names down, and then ask a local to interpret it for you. If you didn't do a good job, you could easily get told to go the wrong way. So Victor and Tammy's skills helped everyone else as well as them.
How uncomfortable did Victor look during the Pit Stop drama?

I guess I'm hoping Victor and Tammy win now. They're the only ones who seem to be having a good time.

Until next week!

Little Things for Little Minds

One of the girls at work recently had a new client booked into her column by the name of "Chris Chan".
Naturally, we were expecting an Asian guy. Imagine our confusion when a decidedly white man appeared, saying he had an appointment at that time with her. His name? "Christian". Not "Chris Chan".
We were very much amused, and he was a pretty good sport about it. Now we call him "Chris Chan, the Asian Caucasian".
And he puts up with us pretty well.

Dinner Out

Every now and again, I try to take out each child on her own, either with the Mister or by myself. I know I always liked having a parent all to myself when I was a kid, and it also gives me an excuse to go out and eat. Last weekend I took Thing 1 out for breakfast (Thing 2 has no real interest in breakfast; she's just filling that particular hole every morning because I make her. Himself has a glass of water for breakfast.) So tonight, we took Thing 2 out for Indian food. (Thing 1 is not a very adventurous eater, and would consider an Indian dinner to be a war crime. )
The last time we went out with Thing 2 it was to a Lebanese restaurant that the Mister and I love, but is so very garlicky that I had to get up in the middle of the night to brush my teeth, my breath was so vile.

I love eating out. Love it. I think I could eat out almost all the time, if my bank balance and my waistline would allow it. Both Things agree.

The Mister was working until 6, so Thing 2 and I took the bus down to the salon to meet him there. (My kids don't take the bus ever; they live within walking distance of almost anywhere they want to go, so the opportunity doesn't arise very often.) She was enchanted, although she did ask me how I knew which bus to take, and how did I know it would take me where I wanted to go. I explained to her about bus routes and such, and she seemed to think that it was extrordinary. It was sort of like explaining modern life to a visitor from another planet, or a time traveller or something.

We went on from the shop to the restaurant, where we stuffed ourselves full of naan, and rice, and butter chicken and tandoori chicken and some sort of mixed vegetable and cashew dish that I loved and totally have to remember where it was on the menu, because I can't remember the name. It was magnificent. About half way through the meal, Thing 2 gave a big sigh and said "eating makes me tired". I know just how she felt; around the same time I was thinking that this particular restaurant should have cots so that I could lay down and have a nap before finishing. It was lovely to just sit and talk, without distractions or interruptions. We fairly waddled out of the place when we left.

We picked up Thing 1 from my parents', where she went for dinner (chicken fingers and fries) and we've all just come in the door. I heard Thing 2 rooting around in the fridge just as I'm typing, clearly looking for something sweet to round out the evening. I'm right behind her.

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 8

Wow, the producers sure hate the Stuntbrothers....I've never seen anyone get such harsh penalties two legs in a row. Thing 1 and I were agog.

Apparently that rule about not settling your bill with possessions you brought with you has been around for a while, just nobody's ever tried to circumvent it before. I heard it is there so that racers can't load up on diamond rings and Levis before the race, in case they want to use it later. Certainly the Tweedles were nodding their heads when Phil was admonishing them, so that would indicate that they knew about it. I did like when they were trying to weasel their way out of it, and Phil was having none of it... "we weren't trying to pay the cabbies, they were gifts". ....the look on his face was all "nice try, but no".

I loved the "Party Cabs"...we'd have done that Detour for sure! In fact, Thing 1 and I are seriously considering starting up our own Party Cab company here, it would be our first million! Our only problem is rounding up that many happy, tuneful transvestites; they seem to be thin on the ground in our neck of the woods. How funny was it that the Stuntbrothers never seemed to pick up on the fact that their "pretty girls" were actually men?

Apparently, they are going to China next week. I wonder how many people Jamie will find who speak English there.

Favorite Exchange of the Night: Jaime: "I like to call dogs doogies for some reason." Cara: "I like to call them dogs." *eyeroll*

Rule Number One on the Race: "Read the clue carefully", Rule Number Two: "NEVER put down the Amazing Fanny Pack. Like, NEVER." Rule Number Three: "Never accept a food challenge in Asia".

Usually "journey on by boat" means "you will never set foot on this particular piece of God's green earth ever again. Get your shit together". To me, anyway.

What was all that about "singing karaoke is as easy for us as getting up in the morning", or some other stupid shit that the older Stuntbrother was spouting?? Honestly, I wonder if he ever notices that he's talking out loud most of the time.

That denture detour was one of the most thrillingly weird things they have ever done on this show.

The Thai parrot greeter was one of my favorite greeters ever.

Until next week!

Better Than Good

Good Things That Have Happened This Week:

• We had today off. Good Friday should be renamed "The Best Of All Fridays", because it is the only Friday we get off in the whole year. It always feels like we are all playing hookey on Good Friday. And the bonus? Nothing whatsoever is open, so we can't go anywhere or do anything.

• I got to hold a 6-week-old baby yesterday. (It was a client in the shop's baby. The poor mother was valiantly trying to do something for herself after having her body hijacked for the past 10 months, and Tiny Baby Terrorist was having none of it. )When I offered to hold the baby while the mother was in the chair, she replied, with some astonishment "you don't mind??". Wherein Patricia and I had a small but fierce tussle over who got to hold the little scrap of humanity first. I was able to hold that downy little head up to my cheek and settle that impossibly tiny bum into my hand and take a long, deep sniff. It was wonderful.

• I got my hair cut. Seriously, there is nothing that comes out of a perscription bottle that feels as good as getting your hair done. The Mister cuts my hair, has for years. People think that I am wildly trusting of him to do my hair, but the truth is he is A) extremely good at cutting hair, and B) was cutting way before we became a couple. In fact,one of the reasons we stay married is that I'd hate to lose him as a hairdresser. (And I'm pretty sure that any circumstances in which we split up would mean that letting him near my head with a sharp object would be pretty much out of the question.)
• I put the winter boots away. Even though we had a bit of snow last Tuesday, I am willing to throw caution to the winds and banish the boots to the furthest reaches of the basement. The closet is cleaner, and I feel like I have won some sort of moral victory over the elements.
• Thing 1 and I went for a long walk today. And of all the activities that my 14-year-old could have been doing on her day off from school, going for a walk with her mother was the one she chose to partake of.
• The girls and I dyed Easter eggs this afternoon. I'm so happy that I have children who like to do the things that I like to do. If they played football or liked to collect stamps I guess I'd have to buck up and join in, but I'm delighted that they do not. Now,if I could only get them to like reading more....
• I had Tuesday afternoon more or less to myself, and I sat down in the middle of the day and watched a movie. In the middle of the day.
• Lent is over this weekend. I can massacre a Lindor bunny on Sunday. Something to look foward to.

Books That Made Me Laugh Out Loud

A Girl Named Zippy by Haven Kimmel This book made me laugh out loud both times I read it…the real-life story of a girl growning up in a small town in Indiana. Her childhood is a bit unusual, but not terribly out of the ordinary. This writer’s voice was candid and matter-of-fact and endearing and very, very funny. The follow-up, "She Got Up Off the Couch" wasn't quite as hilarious, but still a fine read.

Stephanie Plum Series by Janet Evanovitch Starting with "One for the Money", this series about a female bounty hunter in New Jersey never fails to entertain. I think there are something like 14 of them now, and each one can be read in a day or two.

A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson I love this guy, I really do. This book, about hiking the Appalachian Trail, had me wheezing with laughter. Understand, I have zero interest in hiking, or really, even leaving my house, so it wasn't necessarily the subject matter I found so highly amusing. He's just really, really funny. I also loved his books about growing up in Iowa, about Australia and Europe and England, and small towns in the States. Nobody entertains me quite as much as Bill Bryson. I would read his grocery list, if he'd let me.

McCarthy’s Bar by Pete McCarthy Any journey that begins with the motto "never pass a bar with your name on it" is probably right up my alley. McCarthy's adventures in the west of Ireland is one of my very favorite books. Not to be read in public, unless guffawing in the midst of strangers doesn't bother you.

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby A really great novel about a middle-aged record store owner who can't quite believe he's ready to grow up. I found myself loving all the references to pop music, as well as the love story and all the geeky male bonding.

Hypocrite in A Pouffy White Dress by Susan Gilman A very funny book about growing up in the 70s and 80s in New York. I enjoyed this book hugely.

Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes One of my very favorite books ever...who knew a bunch of drug addicts in rehab could be so unbelievably funny? When I first read this I found I couldn't read it in bed while the Mister was trying to sleep; my snorting and shaking kept him awake. But it's not lightweight, this book made me cry as well as laugh. I've enjoyed all Keyes' books so much, but I think I love this one best of all.

Future Plans

The Mister and I sat down with our financial advisor yesterday, to review our investments and figure out when we can retire. (Answer: when we are 107) Our financial guy, or, as they say in the biz, our "wealth manager" (heh) has been with us for about 17 years now, and we've been very happy with his advice....at least he hasn't been arrested for bilking us out of our life savings, which is something you can't take for granted, I suppose.

I've got some inkling of how stock markets and mutual funds and investments work, but I have to admit, it bores the snot out of me, and it's all I can do to pay attention while he's telling me about my money. I find my mind wandering to the most ridiculous places when I should be paying close attention to what he saying. It is utterly bewildering to me that I cannot tune out inane conversations of teenagers on the bus, or I'm out of my mind with boredom if I find myself in line without a book, but when this guy starts talking about things that pertain directly to my future wellbeing, I seem to find myself wondering why paper bags are never round, and how, exactly, Liza Minelli still has a career. It's ridiculous.

I gathered, after a mammoth effort on my part, that we still have some money socked away, and that if the kids don't want any sort of post-secondary education, we can go on a nice cruise at some point in the future. ("Why go to university? You can drink beer on my lawn for free!")

But just in case, I will be buying lottery tickets all the same. Retirement can't come too early.