Fish Tales

Our fish finally died.

We've had a I say 'finally' because that thing was defying the laws of biology and nature in an increasingly alarming way. That fish has been hanging on by a thread for months now, swimming upside-down, languishing at the bottom of the bowl for hours on end, floating on the surface of the water and generally doing his level best to give us the idea that he was no longer. Then, when one of us would give the glass a rap to see if he was, in fact, dead, he's rouse himself out of his stupor and swim around as usual for a day or so and then repeat the performance. It was getting tiresome.

We have not had a great record when it comes to keeping fish. The Loudshoes household seems to be a Kryptonite for domesticated fish. This last one managed to survive us for at least a year (nobody is quite sure who bought him, or when), but we did go through a spell there with goldfish where they were practically disposable....I think we went through a couple a week.

When the first one, Goldie, died, the girls were quite small; we didn't even have Toby yet. Goldie's death was traumatic and agonizing....Thing 1 and Thing 2 cried as though their little hearts would break. By the time Sausage, the third one died, they hardly blinked. I got a passing "fish is dead" as one of them headed out to school one day. After that, they didn't even bother naming them, it was too much trouble to remember what it was called; they all ended up being called "the fish".

We eventually wised up and stopped getting 35 cent goldfish, and bought a Siamese Fighting Fish, or "Beta", which was not only prettier, but was also hardier. They tend to thrive on neglect (always abundant around here) and had the added bonus of entertaining us by puffing up and putting on a fierce show of aggression when placed in front of a mirror. (The goldfish were woefully unimpressive after that, how could they compete with the Liberace of the fish world?) The Betas tend to last a bit longer, too. No one could remember who bought this one, or when.

All I know is that it wasn't me, because the last thing I would pay good money for was one more thing I had to look after.

Anyway, it's finally gone, and I think it took us a couple of days to even notice, largely because he had been playing at dying for so long, none of us took him seriously. He probably died just to show us up.

I hope to God nobody around here takes it into their fool head to get another fish. Or else I will start languishing at the bottom of my bowl, and playing dead. I wonder if anyone will notice.

Self-Tanner Blues

Our assistant at work, Summer, is an all around nice girl that works hard and makes me laugh very much. She is 22, and I am 47, and I'm pretty sure she didn't think she would ever be friends with someone the same age as her mother.

Summer was going to a wedding last Saturday after work, and she brought all her stuff with her in the morning to get ready at the salon. Because she wasn't planning on wearing pantyhose, she put some self-tanner on her legs for a few days beforehand.
For those of you who are either hazy on the ins and outs of self-tanner, indeed, self-tanner at all, it is the fake tanning lotion you put on your pasty, fish-belly white skin to make it look as though you have been lolling in the sunshine.for days on end. Applying it is a bit tricky, since you can't always reach where you want to put it on, and it takes a few hours to "develop", so the thoroughness of your job isn't immediately apparent. Also, you can't let yourself touch anything until it dries. And it's kind of smelly. Why do we use that stuff again?

When Summer put her dress on and went to leave, she looked down to find that the tanner had taken on her knees better than the rest of her legs, which meant that her gams looked bitchin', but her knees looked grubby and foul. After a lot of swearing and exclaiming, she took a washcloth to the offending knees and gave them a good scrub.
But then when she went to leave, she looked down, and she'd scrubbed too hard! Her knees were now, and I quote, "two shiny, white glowing knobs in the middle of my legs!". I know it was Halloween and all, but that's not really the sort of look you want to sport at a wedding.

A quick application of bronzer (the powder stuff you put on your face to make it look like you've been lolling in the sun) and things were better.

She said she made sure she held her purse in front of her, and crossed her legs a lot until they got into the dim light of the reception hall.
Well played, Assistant, well played.

Amazing Race 15 Ep. 7

Oh, man, I wanted to smack Tiffany and Maria (mostly Maria) with that mallet myself. Really? It's that difficult to ring the bell? And you, Maria, did it exactly the same way, for what? 35 tries, and made no effort whatsoever to do anything different? I've seen 10 year olds go at "Whack a Mole" with more effect.

Apparently, they took 3 hours to do the Detours, and eventually they had to call in some medical personelle for Tiffany because she was shivering uncontrollably. (That's why she had on a hoodie at the end.) That did look hellishly cold for the beginning of August.

Maria was going to have to do all the rest of the Roadblocks for her team (she had only done the wasabi one) and so methinks they wouldn't have lasted too much farther anyway. When she said at the end "we can only do so much", Thing 1 and I shouted at our tv, "No, TIFFANY can only do so much!!"

I don't care what I had to eat, I wouldn't have gotten in that cold river for anything. Let alone volunteer to do it a second time. I am a cold water wimp, and would do just about anything to avoid getting in it. But I'd still man up if I had to do it. What if Canaan and Mika had made it this far? Can you see her getting in that river? Or eating that herring?

I love those Globetrotters, I just love them. They seem to manage to to everything with a smile on their faces.

Favorite Lines of the Night:"I don't wanna talk about it... but did you see me dance?!"

"These kids aren't used to luxury cars"

"I've already cried. You just didn't see that."

"We're not that kind of gay guys."

"Maybe now is when I tell Matt he's adopted."

I also have to give big props to the Amazing Editors: Flight Time said "we know Brian's name, because Erica keeps yelling "Briaaan, Briaaaan!", and then they immediately cut to Erica screeching "BRIAAAAAAN!"

I feel sort of badly for Erica, I think Killer Fatigue is getting the best of her. Man, that Brian is one easy-going guy. She's very lucky to be running this race with him and not me. He handles her very well, though, and keeps her going. She whines a LOT, but she doesn't quit. If I had had to sit on that bench for 30 minutes, my head would have burst into flames.

At the Pitstart, when Cheyne was wearing that yellow scarf, he reminded me of someone, and for the life of me, I couldn't remember who. Then I remembered: Fred from Scooby-Doo.

Next week: Hay bales!! (For those of you who came late to the party, back in a previous season, one team spent EIGHT hours pushing over hay bales, looking for a clue. I hope that team is the greeter at the next pitstop.)
And blowing up things!!

Until next week!

No, No, November

Bliss. We turned back the clocks last night and that extra hour this morning was heavenly. We really should do that more than once a year, it's so very enjoyable.
Apart from the extra hour to sleep, I also enjoy the slight discombobulation I experience all day long, when it feels like it is later than it actually is; it's like being pleasantly off-kilter for 24 hours or so.

It was Halloween last night, and Thing 1 decided she was too old to go trick or treating, so she stayed in and handed out candy. Thing 2 was still game, (and claims she will be "until I'm graduating university".) and I went out with a posse of her friends around the neighbourhood. I've been blessed with good weather all the years my children have been old enough to go out, and I always knew that sooner or later, my luck would turn. Last night was it; man, was it cold. It didn't help that it was hella windy, too. My luck DID hold, though, in that it did not rain. Can you imagine trick-or-treating in the rain? Miserable beyond belief, would be my guess. Apart from the fact that costumes and rain don't mix, (in fact, if they don't actually dissolve in the rain, they get so bedraggled and ratty that you can't even recognize who they started out to be.), trudging around in the cold rain, begging for candy, is positively Dickensian.

Thing 2 went out as a "Glow Stick Girl" this year, which meant that her costume consisted of her wearing all black, and having about 60 glow sticks taped to her body. The Mister was in charge of her outfit, and they taped her up right before we left, so that the glow sticks wouldn't loose their mojo too early. (We shouldnt' have worried; those things were still glowing when I threw out the garbage after dinner tonight.) She looked pretty cool, out in the dark, and it was really easy to pick her out of the crowd.

We had a very lazy pajama day today here, which was fine by me. In fact, I spend an enormous amount of my life scheming of ways be able to avoid putting on real clothes and just hang out at home in my pajamas. I'm so delighted when it works out to my advantage.

And so starts November...which means....here comes Christmas.

To Your Health

I'm exhausted, and I'm not even sick.

When did it get to be so much work to be healthy?

I run because exercise is supposed to be enormously beneficial for me; it's good for my heart, it prevents osteoporosis and seems to help stave off breast cancer. I keep my weight under control for my blood pressure and so I don't become diabetic. I eat lots of dark leafy greens and stay away from burgers made with cheese and bacon served on a Krispy Kreme. (For so many reasons.) I drink green tea. I get plenty of sleep. I live a relatively stress-free life. I quit smoking years ago. Really, you'd think I would live to be a hundred and eleventy-two years of age. I never seems to be enough, though; there's always another danger lurking around the corner, and it's going to play havoc with your health.

I really can't imagine any of my ancestors in rural Ireland a hundred years ago worrying about staying fit, or avoiding dairy products or flushing their bodies of toxins. I'm sure they would be bewildered beyond belief at the thought of going ot a gym or counting carbs.
They were probably way more concerned with getting enough to eat and not dying from infection or childbirth or drowning in the rain and mud.

So, now it is the flu I have to think about. I know flus can be dangerous, they can kill an enormous number of people in short order. Also? I hate being sick. It's my number one thing I hate doing in the whole world. (The only thing that getting sick makes acceptable is the wallowing in bed for a day and eating copious amounts of chocolate with impunity.)

I do plan on getting a flu shot, two of them in fact, one for the regular flu and one for the H1N1. But the lines will be long and the wait will be excruciating and I will whine incessantly. (It baffles me that so many people are against getting a flu shot. There's been thousands of years of human existence that would have given anything to avoid illness, and here we have it, and most of us couldn't be bothered. I'm not sure when our society got to the point where they were more afraid of a shot than a particularly deadly strain of flu. )

But get it I will, even if it does mean more work for me. You know what would really make the flu shot appealling??? If I could get one while lolling in bed, eating chocolate!

Lotsa Busy

I used to work in a restaurant when I was a teenager, and there was a guy who washed the dishes named Stavro who was straight off the boat from Greece. Stavro was all kinds of fun, and was learning English as quickly as he could. (We were unfailingly helpful in teaching him all sorts of swear words.) In the middle of the Saturday night mayhem, when we were booked to the rafters and ran out of forks, Stavro would gleefully throw his hands in the air and exclaim "LOTSA BUSY, LOTSA BUSY!!" to anyone in the kitchen.

It's been "lotsa busy" here this past week.

Among other things I did last week, was attend an "Amazing Race" type event here in town. My friend Anne was invited me along, knowing I would be game for any and all Amazing Race themed events anytime, anywhere. (Thing 1 and I would sign up for the real Amazing Race in a heartbeat if they would accept Canadians. Which they DO NOT. We've got it all planned out, Thing 1 will do all the bungee jumping and I will eat all the gross stuff.)

We had a riot, just as expected.

Unlike the regular Amazing Race, there was no million dollars at the end for the winner. In fact, I'm not sure the winner got anything at all, except for the bragging rights. And further fact, WE paid THEM to participate. (The proceeds went to a local charity, I don't think the organizers just absconded with the money.)

There were about 116 people participating, in teams of 4 to 12, and it was quite a sight around the city, let me tell you. All the teams were in costumes, of a sort, doing ridiculous things in public and not at all shy about it. Here is our team, having interrupted a street hockey game to get a picture of us playing with the pumpkin we had to haul around all night:

That's me in the middle with the sunflower hat, the orange feather boa and the rainbow argyle socks on. (Our team was the "Tacky Tootsies", and I have no trouble doing tacky. )

At one point we met some very confused German exchange students, who stopped us to ask us what the hell was going on and why were there so many strangely dressed adults who should know better running around on the streets demanding 1972 pennies and hay. (For the scavenger hunt.) I expect that was an interesting phone call back to Berlin that evening....."and zey run around wearing strange clothes for ze poor people!"

On Sunday, I highlighted Thing 1's hair, which takes all day. I wanted to use her and Thing 2 for part of a photo shoot we were doing for the shop on Monday, so I needed to colour her hair for the photos. Photo shoots sound glamorous and exciting, but they are hard work. Luckily, when your children are your models, and you are only taking pictures of their hair, it's a lot easier. (I remember doing the hair and makeup for a magazine layout that involved 8 children under 10 years of age. They all sat around like wax figures until one of the mothers suggested we give them some Coca Cola, and a few minutes later we had to scrape them all off the ceiling. That was a challenging shoot.)

I went to a cocktail party, did a few haircuts in my kitchen, got the groceries and cleaned the house, went to a book club meeting and managed to have a beer with Big Liver Girl.

A busy week, but a good one.

Amazing Race 15 Ep. 6

Oh, thank goodness that torture is finally over...I don't think I could stand one more minute of Mika whining and pouting and panicking over whatever she had to do next. Or Canaan trying to force her.
Canaan, I think trying to throw your hysterical girlfriend down a waterslide makes you a piece of crap, actually.
The Globetrotters were doing their best to win that race, and if a bit of trash talking does the trick, then so be it. Besides, if I had KNOWN I was in last place all day, and come up to the top of that water slide to find a grown woman wearing WATER WINGS for God's sake, and splashing around in the water, then I would have been hard pressed NOT to give her the gears.
(By the way, I read that Mika and Canaan were up there for 45 minutes before the Globetrotters showed up. You can't tell me that she would have gone, trash talk or no trash talk.) Man, did you see Flight Time go when she got out of the way? I doubt he even touched the slide.

I lost all sympathy for her with the "I hate my life" comment. Really? You've got a all-expense paid trip around the world, WITH a chance to win a million dollars at the end of it, and you hate your life??? I'm sure there are plenty of women in Afghanistan and Darfur who share your pain.

I think everyone was suffering from Terminal Frustration Due To Killer Fatigue and Stupefying Heatstroke. Even Phil looked a bit weary on that Amazing Bathmat, although I liked his little hat.

One thing I thought was interesting in this episode was how each pair dealt with their partner's frustration. Megan complained and started to freak out, but Cheynne talked her down really quickly and effectively and she was able to keep her focus. When Erica didn't want to do the water slide, Brian calmly and persuasively convinced her she could, and she did, and when Pinky almost fainted from the heat, his dad told him to take a break and continued on without a fuss. Makes me think that being able to deal with your partner at their worst is the most valuable skill you can bring to the race.

Both Thing 1 and I looked at each other in absolute horror when faced with the possibility of doing math. Neither one of us has the slightest ability to do even the simplest math question, even with a calculator and Einstein whispering in our ears. Trying to do that one would leave both of us in a steaming puddle on the floor.

Favorite Lines of the Night: "I'm gonna keep saying the word 'hot', 'cause it's hot".
"Hookah? We used to call it something different when I was a kid".
"Does a Muslim clock work differently than a regular clock?"
"You win the award for the biggest person to fit in a boat meant for a 5 year old!"

I would be happy if the Globetrotters did the rest of the race in only those bathing suits.

Is Maria ever going to do a Roadblock? Because Tiffany must be almost done her share, and that means that Maria might actually have to do something physical on this race.

Until next week!