Amazing Race 16, Episode 10

Disappointed. I really wanted those cowboys to win. But at least Brent and Caite didn't win! I have to hand it to Jordan and Dan, moving up to first class to be off the plane faster was freaking brilliant. If I'd have been there, I'd be mad that I hadn't thought of it first.

Really, your backpack in second place in line means you are second place in line, even though you got there last? Is this the Amazing-6th-Grade-Field-Trip? If you are going to be a dick, that's fine, but own it and deal with the consequences, instead of asking for forgiveness...."hate the play but not the player"? Actually, I hate the player now. Besides, they were all going to be on the same flight; there was no advantage to checking in 10 minutes earlier. I'd be happier about them winning if it hadn't been for that.

I noticed there were no confessional interviews with Brent and Caite through the whole episode. Maybe they really did punch each other's faces in after the race, and weren't fit for television veiwing.
If I'd have been their cab driver, at the first "dumbass" I'd have purposely driven around in circles for hours and pretended I was blind and deaf. They'd still be in my cab today.

Man, Brandy is going to need to get LOTS of therapy after this. She is one angry chick. I can see her in a wheel chair in a nursing home 60 years from now ranting "...and then she U-TURNED US! And we weren't the team to U-Turn AT ALL!!" Maybe she should have been a contestant on "Survivor", that show has all kinds of opportunity for spewing vitrol based on bitterness and betrayal.
BTW, how come the Models hate the Lesbians for that remark about "her tiara", but don't hate Dan and Jordan for telling Brandy and Carol all about Caite's YouTube fame?

That final memory task was lame compared to other final tasks on other races. (Except the "eat the pizza" task in Chicago, that was the lamest.) I'm sorry we didn't get to see Brent and Caite do the memory challenge, it would have given them ample opportunity to show the world that they are intelligent people. Because apparently, they are, but I must have missed that.

How much did I love Cord for messing with Dan during the Star Wars challenge? That was hilarious...."now allamand left!" The best part was how it freaked Dan out completely.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a "Fan Favorites" Amazing Race? We could have the Cowboys, and Danny and Oswald and Rob and Amber and Kris and John and The Clowns and the Grampa and Grandson from a few seasons ago...it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't know who to root for.

Until next season!

A Better Door Than A Window

We got some new windows in our house last month, to replace the original windows which rattled like maracas during a northwest wind, and required brute strength and a good head of steam to open in the humidity. The new windows were expensive, as most home improvements are, and decidedly unsexy; like a new roof (which we got last fall) it's a heap of money that will elicit no groans of envy or gladden your heart or make you sigh with satisfaction. But they needed to be done. (We still have two big windows to do, but that will have to wait until next year, when I can stomach spending thousands of dollars on something that is no fun at all.)

Naturally, after dropping a wad of dough on windows, the Mister decided that new doors was exactly what we needed next! I had no freaking idea that doors were so incredibly extortionate, but I guess they do perform the rather important function of keeping random people out of your house, so maybe they are worth it after all. (Unlike shower curtains. Can someone explain to me why shower curtains cost a bajillion dollars? All they do is keep the water from splashing on the floor; it's not like they have complicated engineering or fine Corinthian leather seats.) I knew you could buy doors, but I had no idea they could run into the thousands of dollars. And plus, you have to buy a handle! I assumed they came with handles, but NO! you have to go out and get one as well. (When we bought our first house, I was gobsmacked that houses did not come with garbage cans, you had to supply those yourself. And we had no mailbox, either, we had to go out and get one of those too. Who knew?)

The Mister thought he could probably install the door himself, to cut down on the costs, uttering the words that chill my very soul: "How hard can it be?"

He started putting in the front door around 11 yesterday morning and finished at around 10 last night. The thing with putting on a front door is that you have to make sure you have all the stuff you need to do it, because it's not like you can run to the store to get anything in the middle of it....because you have no door in the house. This presents a problem until one of your children comes home from school to stay in the doorless house while you run to Home Depot. Also? When a big thunderstorm comes up, it presents a bit of a problem when you have a huge gaping hole in your house and no way to keep the rain out. AND, you can't stop installing a door until the door is all the way in, because if you want to go to bed, you had better be able to close and lock said door.

It was quite an undertaking, but he did it, saving us thousands of dollars, which we may have to now spend on his blood pressure medication. It's a lovely door; it has a window, so we get more light in the front hall, and I can see who's out there before I actually open it.

I think the back door can wait until we get the other windows.

Amazing Race 16, Episode 10

Dear Caite,
I still think you are an idiot.
Love,
Mrs. Loudshoes.

She's very bitter about all that YouTube stuff, isn't she? I get that she wants to put it behind her, after all, I thank my lucky stars every day that there were no video cameras or YouTube around when I was 17, I'd have had to slit my wrists by now. But perhaps the best way to put that sort of thing behind you is to not bring it up on national television every ten minutes. Caite needs to realize that the word "smart" is a lot like the word "classy": if you have to tell everyone that you are, you are not.

I wonder what the detectives think of their well-groomed wolf-cubs now? Perhaps if they had U-turned a stronger team, rather than a team they didn't like, the cops would still be in this.
By the way, when I begin my new career as a criminal, I am totally going to start in Rhode Island, because the with those two on my tail, I'm sure to be a wild success. Seriously, two coats randomly hanging in the middle of a freeway MUST mean they contain a clue?? How does that work?

If I had heard that one of the racers had been kicked in the head by a horse, I'm pretty sure my money would not have been on Cord. Brent, maybe, but definitely not Cord.

Who loved the guy with his leg up on the railing, repeating every word Jordan and Dan said? I did! "Bridge?" "Bridge!" "You know where this bridge is??" "Bridge is!!". You can't make that stuff up.

Note to self: When applying to go on the Amazing Race, learn to say "follow", "fast" and "help me now" in every language possible. Also, it does not matter how slowly and loudly you say something in English, someone who does not speak English will still not understand you.

I liked when the Cowboys practically poked Brent in the eye pointing at their bags, but failed to notice Brent sitting right there. That "WTF" look he gave the camera was hilarious.

I have to tell you, I have the world's teensiest bladder and when I have to go to the bathroom, there's very little room for error. If I'd have been Brent, I'd have peed right in her backpack.


Those goggles were delightful. I especially liked Louis in them, he looked like some sort of cartoon character of a cop from the 30's, in a madcap romp through Shanghai.

Favorite Line of the Night: "Pigs are elusive". There's something so simple and wise about that.

I will be mighty pissed if Caite and Brent win this thing...I may have to break up with this show if that happens. I so hope that the final leg takes them to the Iraq....wouldn't that be a great big steaming pile of awesome? Maybe, if those two do come in for the final run up to the finish line, Carol and Brandy could tackle them and beat the snot out of them. That would make all my dreams come true.

Until next week!

Fall On Your Knees.

You know, sometimes I'm pretty sure the universe is sitting around, langorously blowing smoke rings, and looking down on me saying "really, that girl is getting too full of herself. Let's remind her of exactly who is in charge".

Last Friday was an incredibly beautiful spring day here; warm without being too hot, sunny and bright, a silky cool breeze to keep everything in motion. With the Mister's aunt in the hospital, my evenings have been taken up the past week, and I had found no time for a run for ages. I was bound and determined that I was going running Friday morning, a good run too; no shortcuts, no slacking, no excuses. And lo and behold, I found myself actually enjoying that run! I couldn't believe it: I wasn't gasping for breath! My feet weighed their regular amount, no added lead! My hip joints were not threatening to go into business for themselves!! This wasn't so bad after all!!

Just as I came to the last few hundred yards before home, and I marvelled at my incredible self, my toe hit a bit of sidewalk that was sticking up, and I found myself body surfing the pavement. I went down like a runaway elevator. My knees took the brunt of it, breaking my fall with skin and bone, and then my hands and elbows wanted in on the party, and finally, my generous belly.

Picture it: a chubby, sweaty middle-aged woman rolling around on the sidewalk in the middle of the morning, wearing running shoes and bellowing obscenities at top volume. There didn't seem to be anyone around to witness my performance, but I'm pretty sure that even if there had been, they'd have kept out of sight.

I picked myself up, examined the damage with as much dignity as I could muster, and limped home with blood dripping down my legs. Luckily it wasn't far. The injuries were confined mostly to my knees, which were shredded, and a bit of wear on my hands and elbows. Bandaids were administered, and I walked with care for the rest of the day, but mostly, I was okay.

The next afternoon, the Mister and I had to go to a cocktail party. I went home after work and got changed to go, and put on a skirt, as the friction of pants on my knees was unpleasant. When we were in the car on the way to the party, the Mister asked if I was considering standing for the duration of the party. When I asked why, he glanced at my skirt, which had ridden up enough when I sat down to reveal my grubby, bloody bandaged knees. Very elegant. So I did stand up for the entire party, thank you.

Apparently, pride really DOES go before a fall.
Thanks, universe, for so eloquently and graphically teaching me that lesson.
I got it.

Amazing Race 16, Episode 9

Remember back in the first episode where the Cowboys got Brazillian money to spend in Chile? And I thought they were so out of their element that they didn't stand a chance and that they'd go home soon? Turns out I was all kinds of wrong.
Seriously, is there anything they can't do? I loved when some one said that Jet finished the noodle task quickly because "he's got magical hands" or some such thing....that's the second time the Cowboys have been referred to as "magical".

I kept yelling "more flour!!" at the tv during the noodle task. If you've ever made your own pasta (and really, you shouldn't, it's a pain in the ass) you know to keep tossing it in flour, or else you will get a giant, wodgy mass of goo that will make you cry unattractively. Like Jordan.

Note to self: if you ever manage to be on this race or any other endeavor that involves tv cameras on you recording your every syllable, DO NOT gloat triumphantly about your evil cunning. It looks extremely toolish.

The brothers had the exact right idea about how to use a U-Turn. Yes, it is definitely part of the game, and it is not morally or ethically reprehensible to use it, but it is best used to thwart the team you think has the best chance of beating you, not to score childish points off the team you don't like.

Hello, Brent? Sicily is a lovely part of Italy, and has many, many fine attractions. However, if you HAD A MAP, which, according to your girlfriend, are in seriously short supply in the US, you would notice that Sicily is way down on an island near the toe of the boot of Italy, and Venice, which has canals and such as, is all the way on the opposite end of the country.
When Caite said "this all looks fake", that's probably because she thinks everywhere in the world is supposed to look like Epcot. Oh, the irony.

So many good lines last night! From the Cowboys "will you marry me? Now, hold that thought, I'll be right back." And "Tranquil.....write that down." And also "if he'd have jumped outta your trash can, he'd scare the daylights out of you". (So wrong, but so funny.) Also, "shopping wears me smooth out."
I liked the Detectives, after missing the entrance to the fashion house "what kind of detectives are we?" and "give me a shooting task or a crack head to run down."

At the fashion house, Thing 1 and I would have been in some serious trouble, because she would have gotten so distracted and wanted to shop that I'd have had a meltdown.

I felt a little bit bad for Brent when his puzzle pieces flew away. But then Cord said "whoa, wind", like he could just calm it down a bit if he handled it right.

I'm not sure how I feel about the inclusion of Pingping....it seemed a bit like he was plunked down there like a Travelocity Gnome just for decoration. On the other hand, from what I can see on the net, that's the way he made a living, showing up for stuff and being seen. I don't suppose he had many other ways to make a living, frankly, and therefore, maybe my sensitivity is misplaced. It did not help when Caite reacted to him like he was a poodle in a tutu.

Phil enjoyed that Non-elimination just a little too much, if you ask me.

It's anonymous around here, we'd like the Cowboys to win.

Birds and Turds.

It is truly a glorious spring out there. After months of cold and dead and grey, it is exceptionally wonderful to go out and have it be warm and sunny and welcoming out there. There is, however, one fly in my ointment, and that is the frigging birds.

Normally, I love the sound of birds singing. Sometimes when I'm running or out for a walk, I'll turn off my I-pod just to be able to hear all the chirping and twittering and cheeping, it's so lovely. And there are plenty of birds around here to add to the chorus; you can hear birdsong almost any time you stick your head out the door. I do like it.

But not at 4 in the freaking morning. Seriously.

Even with earplugs in, I can sometimes be woken up by that one stupid bird who insists on perching right outside my window and "to-WHOO"ing up a storm for all he is worth. If I had a gun I would shoot him. I wouldn't even get up out of bed to do it, either. It's a big backyard, I don't know why he has to sit right there and bellow out those two notes incessently. He's probably the one who shits on my car every day, too. Really, it's just as well that handguns are not allowed in Canada.

When Big Liver Girl and I spent a spectacular weekend at her place in Quebec a few years ago, I was awakened every. single. morning. at around 5 a.m. by a bird who was not only unspeakably loud, but spectacularly unimaginative, too. He sang the same 10 notes over and over and over again. No variation in pitch or cadence or timing or tune for hours at a time. We called him "Louis-Needs-A-New-Tune". (Our friend Moe had also been to the condo in Quebec and become aquainted with "Louis-Needs-A-New-Tune", and said later that summer that he had followed her up to her cottage, because he was there, too. )

Also, there is a woodpecker in the vicinity who makes an unholy racket pretty much all the time, but he is particularly vigorous at about 7:15 in the morning. And, you guessed it, his venue of choice is the locust tree closest to our bedroom window. Imagine lying in bed, drowsy and half-asleep, gently getting used to your altered state of "awake" from "asleep", and then hearing the avian equivelent of a jack-hammer revving up 20 feet from your bed. And he's fierce, too...he gives it everything he has, that tree is getting it's ass kicked, I tell you. Most of the time it barely registers, but early in the morning there's no escaping it.

I wish the birdies would come with a volume button. (As a matter of fact, I wish almost everything and everyone did.) I'd enjoy them ever so much more if I could listen to them when I want to, rather than when they want me to. (Interferring with Mrs. Loudshoe's sleep will NOT endear you to her.) When Thing 2 was about 2 years old, and in a VERY bad mood, she heard a bird singing outside at my parents house, and she sternly pointed a finger out the window and said " 'Top it, bird!". Many's the morning I feel the same way.

And I'd love to have them stop shitting on my car, too.

One Thousand and One....One Thousand and Two....

I have had ample opportunities this week to count my many, many blessings. And to count my lucky stars, of which there are many. And to breathe a sigh of relief at the multiple bullets I have dodged. Hanging around hospitals will do that to you.

The Mister's 83-year-old aunt had a stroke last Saturday, and we've been up and down to the hospitals every day since. (It wasn't a severe stroke, and she's going to make a full recovery.) Aunt Fran (as everyone calls her, not just her neices and nephews) has been incredibly good to us and our children over the years. Never was there a woman who would babysit on shorter notice, and then clean the bathrooms while we were out. Often doing a vastly better job than I would have done myself.
It's hard to see someone you love in a hospital bed, looking scared and vulnerable. And we are so very, very lucky that the stroke was not worse, and she's still here and will be fine.

I've heard this week of cancer diagnoses of young parents, of mental illness and of car accidents. And I realize, I have no problems at all. None.

Between work and trips to the hospital and such, there hasn't been time for much else. Except counting my blessings and thanking my lucky stars.