Things I Would Like To Know That Are None Of My Business

1. There is a homeless guy who hangs out near the Tim Hortons' near work, and I see him up at the mall occasionally. He's always polite and sober, and never says more than "have a nice day" with a genuine smile. He seems perfectly normal and functioning, except for the fact that he bathes twice a year and has no belongings or a roof over his head. Why is he homeless?? What's going on that he can't sort his life out? What's up with him. I want to know.

2. The people across the street have lived there for at least 5 years. I have barely set eyes on them in that time....they only seem to come out at night. I think they might be vampires. Also, on occasional summer evenings, I can hear what sounds like a tv coming from their backyard. From the backyard across the street. Why on earth is their tv that loud?

3. My parents have a neighbour we call "Mr. Dogshit", because he's an asshole, and he won't pick up after his dog. He's fought with everyone in the condo complex at one time or another. A few weeks ago, the police came to his door and very quietly arrested him. He's come back since (out on bail??) and been keeping a very low profile. What the hell was that all about? We are dying to know.

4. I read the obituaries every morning, and my morbid curiosity wants to know how some of them died.

5. We had a client who was planning her wedding for over a year; she was really excited about it, came in with her sisters and mother for trial runs and everything. They were all into it big time. And then one day someone called the salon to cancel everything, saying the wedding was off. We've never seen any of them since. And you can bet, even a couple of years later, one of us will occasionally wonder what happened there.

6. There is another client at the salon who's husband was convicted of fraud and sentenced to some jail time. (This was a family who regularly bounced cheques with us, and seemed to be cheerfully indifferent to financial responsibility. Turns out he was using other people's money to supplement their income, and was somewhat surprised when they objected. That was all in the paper.) She still comes into the salon, and we see him around from time to time, but he doesn't seem to be incarcerated....I am all agog to find out what's going on there.

7. I did a client's hair only a few times, and then didn't see her again. She was from Ukraine, right off the plane, and she said she had met her husband on the Internet and then came over here to marry him. I always wondered if she was a mail-order bride. It's not really something that you can ask someone, is it?

8. Other people's finances are an endless source of speculation for me. I come by it honestly, my mother and I spend a lot of time playing "How Do You Think They Can Afford That?"? I wonder all the time if people are in shitloads of debt or if money is no object. I find it difficult not to ask perfect strangers at Ikea if they can actually pay for that new bookcase, or are they adding to the tsunami of owing that will eventually drown them for ever? The Mister hates taking me to Ikea.

9. There is a woman in the neighborhood who walks a LOT. She's must be out walking for hours every day, I see her all the time. That in itself is worthy of note, but when she walks she swings her arms so hard and vigorously that it's a wonder they're still attached to her shoulders. Seriously, she'd hurt you if you got in her way. My father has nicknamed her The Woman That Walks With Her Arms, and if you mention that to anyone at this end of town, they will gasp with recognition and say "I know exactly who you're talking about!" Why does she do that? And doesn't it hurt? I want to know.

Imponderables.

The world is full of unanswered questions:

1. Why does the down comforter migrate to the bottom of the bed inside the comforter cover? One would think maybe the whole shebang would travel slowly off the end of the bed, but no, just the contents does, leaving me with 12 inches of feeble, empty cotton cover to keep my upper half warm.

2. What is the cat doing when he wanders around the house, howling that deep, mournful belly MAOOOOOW? We're all still here, it's not like he's the last living cell in a dead body or anything. He only does it when he's by himself in a room, and when we remind him that we still exist, in the next room, he give a little chirp of surprise. I don't get it...can't he hear us?

3. Why, at a party, does everyone end up in the kitchen? Even in the biggest house, the kitchen is packed while the rest of the house is empty.

4. Why is it that even when I'm falling down tired, I can't make myself go to bed?

5. Why are there always random frozen peas rolling around the bottom of the freezer? Never corn or raspberries. Always peas.