Thursday, April 17, 2008

Be My Guest....

The following entry is from my good friend Wendy, also known as "Big Liver Girl".
I've been working A LOT lately, and consequently haven't been on the computer much the past few days, and was feeling more than a little self-imposed pressure to produce something for the blog right smart. Wendy, who unknowingly saves my ass on a regular basis, said she had a rant and no blog to post it on, and could she use my forum. I happily complied.....Thank you, Big Liver Girl!!

Reality Home Ec
Yesterday I did the grossest thing. I did it for my husband. I did it for myself. I am fully aware that I will have to do it again as it falls into the category of household jobs "that don't stay done!".

I positioned myself with most of my upper body inside my bathroom vanity atop thousands of tiny shampoos, smelly soaps, half full bottles of medicine long expired, several jars of cream, old makeup (of which I routinely sport none) and the odd stethoscope. I then reached around with my other arm and strained to (ooh ick) feel around for the drain thingy. I then jiggled, swore and cranked on some other weird part of the underneath the sink part of the tap to finally free the drain so that I could lift out the ickiest core of grossness you've ever seen. Fortunately then, I heard the doorbell ring and had the pleasure of making my friend nearly vomit wielding the "fruits" of my labour, answering the door on the way to the next closest operational sink to clean (blech!) the drainy thing back to its original white. (Thank heavens for the plastic clips off bread bags which are perfect for scraping such filth off soiled hard surfaces.) When restoring it I discovered the equally sickening blob of hairy grime that encased the aforementioned drainly thing. I cleaned it too... reassembled the sink and voila we have free running water again and a sink that doesn't fill to capacity each time one brushes ones teeth.

You see, there had been a lengthy battle a few nights prior as to where exactly the fault lies in a sink that doesn't drain (so as to determine who must fix it). ( Young lovers take heed! Yes YOU too WILL fight tooth and nail about these horrifically mundane causes for discord among those who choose to co-habitate). MY point is, that I have short hair and only brush my teeth there, often taking time to ensure my toothpasty expectorant actually disappears down the drain - and not haunt one's cohabitant in big wine-coloured globs in the morning. I also dislike being subjected to a thin but homogeneous film of hair all over the sink each time I use the bathroom, post-hubby's daily shave. My beloved's point is well taken though, that honestly - if not to let the shorn whiskers float down the (normally operational) drain, WHAT in heavens name is he to do with it? I suggested perhaps straining it through a paper towel and then tossing the hairy bit into the garbage. Or shave at Tim Hortons... just don't subject me to that ick again.

And why, do I hear no one else complain of these sorts of travesties? When pressed for solutions, most homeowners agree that pulling the drain apart is not considered standard maintenance of a sink. And yet, when confronted with this problem in the past, I have carefully watched and taken note of the procedure while nodding obediently about NEVER pouring the standard cleaning agents that are intended for just this problem, DOWN YOUR SINK. IT RUINS YOUR PIPES! And so in order to avoid excessive cost and guilt associated with plumbers, I now try solve my problems on my own. Does anyone else ever wonder why things have to be so difficult to maintain? Why, if a single grain of rice (or heaven forbid, HAIR) gets into the agitator of the dishwasher, you are stuck with baked on filthy dishes or a nasty guilt trip from the dishwasher guy about serving rice to the shedding orangutans with whom you reside? I mean, if I'm honestly SUPPOSED to clean the sprayer arm of my "self clean Maytag" dishwasher, why did I have to buy a special star shaped allen key and unscrew six very awkwardly placed screws,to begin the process of yanking the thing apart before I was to soak it in my bathtub and then liberally run loads of tang (I kid you not "TANG" - the powdered drink of astronauts) to sanitize my filter system? Sadly, if I was the studious homeowner I am supposed to be, there'd be no room in the bathtub because the clothes washer guy tells me that THAT machine is "very dirty" and I should be disassembling my washer and soaking my agitator in the bathtub to get the fabric softener out of it. For the love of Pete (the reason behind my every move), how did I pass Home Ec?

My mother is my number one resource in appliance repair as she can dismantle most major brands of dishwashers in the time it takes me to finish my first coffee of the day. However she was taught under the Jedi master of Maytag repairmen in the 60's in BC, who came to negotiate our baby gate system and toddler and pet obstacles better than my travelling father could. Frankly, the dryer is the only appliance ever manufactured with maintenance built right in. How easy is it to clear the lint trap? VERY! How often does it get done? ALL THE TIME!

I'm telling you its a plot by the trades to gross out homeowners so they make that double time and a half phone call on Boxing Day. Because I don't want to clean the drain again.


Speranza Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Speranza Speaks said...

'Jedi master of Maytag repairmen' has got to be the funniest line I have read, like, EVER. THanks for the howl, I remain *extremely* amused.