Monday, March 26, 2012

Amazing Race 20, Episode 5

I was just getting to like those two lovable douchebags, and now they are gone. At least I don't have to type "Fitness" after Joey's name anymore. (I think I'm going to add a noun to my name from now on..."Mrs. 'The Carbohydrate' Loudshoes", or "Mrs. 'The Deity' Loudshoes", or even "Mrs. 'Accident Waiting to Happnen' Loudshoes". I'll work on it.)
You just knew they'd be smarting because they got beat by a girl.

"Cheese and crackers"? So, this is this season's "oh my gravy"?

Nice to see everyone jumping into the dancing at the temple, even if that was a LOT of noise and energy for 4:15 in the morning.

That oil-bathing task ranks, hands down, as the weirdest thing they've ever done on this show, and that is really saying something. I was laughing at Art or J.J's continued horror at the entire situation...."!" And they had the best local; he was really enjoying his hairy, gold-toothed self. I especially liked when Art or J.J. called for the attendent, and the Azerbajani piped in: Art or JJ: Ma'am? JJ or Art: Ma'am? Local: Ma'am?

That Roadblock would have made me puke....I hate enclosed places, I really hate being underwater in an enclosed space and the idea of getting spun around underwater in an enclosed space makes me all freaked out just thinking about it. I'm surprised no one had a spaz attack, as water tends to to that to Racers at least once a season. (I'll bet Big Brother Rachel would have not disappointed me. It seems to me like this is the sort of thing she'd really go to town on.)

Rachel and Brandon did not get a lot of air time this episode, which is fine by me. The less I had to look at that stupid green spangly headband, the better.

I kept hoping Dave would compliment his wife with something other than "you are such a workhorse!". "You are awesome", or "you rock" or even "that was quite a performance" are all better than "you are such a workhorse!".

Every taxi driver in every country this race has ever visited was cheering on that guy at the apple task who was yelling "faster, faster faster!".

I think, Nary, that the other teams do not see you as a threat, not because they think you are kindergarten teachers, but because you actually are not a threat. You've never finished in the top five, you've barely missed being eliminated a couple of times, and plus, I'll bet there are a couple of racers who don't even know your names.

I think my very favorite part of the show was when Vanessa and Ralph were in the carpet store looking for the clues. Comedy gold, my friends.

Judging by the previews for next time, Rachel and Vanessa channel their inner 12 year olds and get into a good, old fashioned cat fight. Maybe the good Lord will favor me and there will be a double elimination.

Until two weeks!

Monday, March 19, 2012

amazing Race 20, Episode 5

That was an awesome episode; great scenery, teams all over the place, Jerome the Gnome and Brandon falling on his ass. Good times.

I'm not surprised at Kerry and Stacey's demise; everytime we saw a shot of those two it was when they were having trouble navigating. If I were Stacey, I'd be some pissed, because Kerry was damn near useless on this race.
I'm so happy now that those two have shown me that, along with gay people, deaf people, short people, one-legged people and B students, women (I refuse to use the word "girls") who wear pink-lipstick can do anything. I thank them for teaching me this Very Valuable Lesson.

I'm not sure how ugly a mud rail fence is, but I will take Mark's word on that.

Jesus Christ in a wheelbarrow, that Rachel is one green sparkly twit. "I don't even know what a beard is?" Come. On. Either she's too stupid to live, or she's punking us. And although I once had a co-worker ask me if Venezuela was in Europe, I thought most of the population had a better understanding of geography than to think one could take a train from Austria to Bolivia. (Maybe Rachel thought they were in Australia! NOW it all makes sense!)

I really don't like Art and J.J much, but I have to admit, they are smoking this race all to bits. They had an eight hour lead over Mark and Bopper at the start. And even with the bunching at the beginning and everyone catching up to them at the beard task, they still managed to rock that and get out fast. Of course, picking the right castle helped, as well as taking the horse and buggy up the hill. I really, really want them to get served a big ol' whoop-ass sandwich sometime soon; it's not much of a race if one team wins every leg.

Holy schnikes! Ralph has been married and divorced three times?!?!? And he's only 36??? How does someone do that??? (Unless you are Ross Geller, of course.) I don't think I've met three men I'd willingly share a car pool with, let alone marry. (And that's assuming I'd find three men willing to marry me.) If I wanted to get married three times, I think I'd have to start dating women to make up the numbers.....And I'm delightful. How did that lunkhead find three women willing to marry him? And wait, there's a fourth woman all lined up to be next! Mind boggling.

Just for the record, Thing 1 and I would have absolutely wiped the floor with everyone on the beard  thing. Finally, a task where being a hairdresser and a teenage girly-girl comes in handy.

When Vanessa said "I've never seen so much snow in my life!", Thing 1 remarked, "well, that's a nice April day in Canada!". (Exaggerating a little bit....we are having a record warm March this year. But we've had days like they showed last night here before in April!) Between the beard styling, the driving in the snow, knowing exactly with castle they were looking for and the gnome curling, this particular leg of the race was made for us; Thing 1 and I would have walked away with it.

Even though I was very tired very quickly of Vanessa and Ralph's bickering, I did love her a little bit for the "you couldn't care less" correction. One of my pettest of peeves, that.

I loved the shot of all the cows turning their heads in unison when anyone came into the barn. It was like "oh, visitors!". I would have had a hard time not yelling "moo!" when I saw those cows, because I must "moo" whenever I see a cow. (Just for the record, I yell "kitty!" whenever I see a cat, too. Drives my kids nuts.)

Favorite Exchange of the Night: from the Jersey Shore Boys...."My hat looks kind of flirty - it has a fuzzy tongue sticking out."........pause.....""I don't know who he's going to find to flirt with today."

I'm pretty sure that Mark and Bopper were yodelling the same song as the one the Mountaineer sings on "The Price Is Right".

Why is it that all of the non-couple teams get along better than all of the couples? 

Until next week!

Monday, March 12, 2012

amazing Race 20, Episode 4

Just when I was getting a good old hate-on for the Border Patrol guys, they go and do something genuinely sweet and nice for Bopper. It's hard to hate them totally, even though they are arrogant assholes. I give them this though, they are arrogant because they have total faith in their own abilities to win this thing, not because they think the rest of the teams suck.

I was happy that this was a Non-Elimination round; because of the airport stuff and the way the leg was designed, there was hardly any chance for Mark and Bopper to catch up.

And I was as excited as Bopper that they were going somewhere tropical! Except Turin is farther north than Kentucky. And they held the Winter Olympics there a while ago.

Good GOD but that Rachel is annoying! I never saw Big Brother, so I was completely unaware of her prescence on the planet, but now I want to punch her in the throat.
The thing that really bugs me about Rachel, apart from the obvious fake crying and drama queen whining, is that she saves that shit for normal, everyday interaction with her boyfriend; she's just fine at the actually stressful tasks. She was way more worked up about the way he spoke to her than rappelling down a building.
 "I wanted to take a trip around the world with my best friend!"....THEN GO!! Didn't she just win a whack of money on Big Brother? She can well afford a trip that does not involve anything other than enjoying herself. (Of course, that also would mean that no one was paying attention to her, and I get the feeling that she wouldn't like that.)
And even Phil looked like he'd had enough of her when she jumped on the Amazing Bathmat and yelled "di giorno!", which, if my rudimentary Italian serves me right, means either "of day" or "frozen pizza".

Speaking of dickheads, Major Dave is one. I like that his wife doesn't take his shit for a minute, and without crying or whining or raising her voice, either.

I really loved the moment when Kerry walked into the salami shop and announced that she was there to "taste your salami!", and realized at about the second last syllable what she had said.

Favorite Line of the Night: "Are you two engaged?".

Oh, Vanessa, you are setting so many, many good examples for your 13 year-old step-daughter. Having said that, I do like this team, sort of...they don't take themselves too seriously, and I can appreciate that, but geez, run your own race and stop fixating on Branden and Rachel.

I think there are a team called Jamie and Nary on this season, but I have no idea who they are, since they never appear on my screen.

I think, I think that Ford makes a car called a "Focus". Not sure, though.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Guest Spot

My friend Sue is a gifted writer, and one of the most delightful people I know. She is eloquent and articulate, and I'm proud to show her off!

People With the Perfect Life

Monday, March 5, 2012

Amazing Race 20, Episode 3

Okay, I wasn't going to blog about the Amazing Race this time around, because I thought I was getting repetitive and boring, and that no one would miss it. Turns out I was wrong, and several people asked what was going on, so HERE I AM!

Brief Thoughts On Previous Episodes:
Episode 1: That was the most bone-headed elimination I ever saw. Ever. Who doesn't turn their head when looking for something? I've heard of "tunnel vision" before, but never seen quite such an egregious example.
Episode 2: The Clowns were way in over their heads from the minute they started. At least I am spared endless "tears of a clown" references. Thing 1 and I would have sobbed our way through math task, since we are both similarly impaired.

Okay, now that we are up to speed!

I freaking LOVED this leg! All the tasks were difficult but NOT impossible; and nothing relied on brute strength or any particular talent. Mostly you needed patience and to be able to focus. I loved that.

I wish the twins had stuck around longer, mostly because we didn't really see what they were capable of, and also, because we never got to see either one of them with their shirts off. (Come join me in the shallow end of the pool!) Had they not thrown a hissy fit at the harp task, they'd have finished earlier. As I say to my kids, you can bitch and moan and complain about doing something, but you're just wasting time; sooner or later you have to put on your big-girl underpants and do it anyway.

I thought Phil was doddering when he said Rachel and Dave were the first team to not complete a task and finish anyway.....Boston Rob didn't eat an entire cow's worth of meat in Argentina, and they still finished the leg despite a four-hour penalty. But what Phil meant was that Rachel and Dave were the first team to not complete any task in a leg and still finish, which, I have to admit, is cute trick.

Did anyone else think Dave got the wrong end of the stick with what the Express Pack entailed? Because I got the impression he thought it was like a Fast Forward and they could go directly to the Pit Stop, not just skip that one task. Man, I bet he's giving himself a good ass-kicking right now.

I bet Claire (from Brooke and Claire fame) is sitting at home right now thinking "you think stacking watermelons is hard, you should try taking one right in the face!".

I would have found that roadblock nearly impossible, because I have the pointiest head ever, those bottles would never have stayed, unless I danced around with my head at a 45° angle. Seriously, I can never shave my head, because it is such a weird shape. On the other hand, I used to have a male client that had such a flat top to his head, I used to have to cut his hair so that it looked like it actually rounded up there. He used to carry stuff on his head as a party trick, like vases of flowers and bottles of beer. He'd have aced this task.

Speaking of acing, the Border Guards certainly rocked this leg, but man, they are insufferably smug. When they started up with the "we're just going to dominate this thing", I wanted to slap their alpha-male faces until they cried like little girls. I am so hoping that editing is setting them up for a humbling of epic proportions.

When Vanessa said that they didn't want to quit because of the example that would set for Ralph's 13 year old daughter, I wondered what example she thought she was setting by loudly and  repeatedly drawing attention to another woman's gentials.

I've never seen Big Brother, so I have no previous experience with Rachel, but is she always this much of a drama queen? She did really well this leg, and rocked the bottle dancing, but that sort of never seems to matter, she has to dissolve into a messy, noisy puddle of tears at least once an episode. I predict this will get old very, very fast.

Bopper really has no "inside voice", does he? I suspect that comes from living his whole life in a place that has no telephones.

Until next week!