Amazing Race 14, Ep. 10

Yay for Tammy and Victor....they ran a good race all along, and it was a well deserved win. Mostly I'm happy Jaime didn't win.

I'm glad each team's results was directly because of their strengths and weaknesses, not just because of a good or bad taxi driver. Luke was doing well until Victor showed up, and then he started to psych himself out and succumbed to his paralysing frustration. (Band name!) Just as he has done before. And Jaime was doing okay, albeit she started way behind the other two, and although she got down to business and got to work, she spent a lot of energy freaking out and shouting. (At least she helped Luke, after Victor and Tammy left.) And Victor got out of there first because he's smart and he worked hard.

I wish those Hawaiian locals had been more drunk.

Who knew a pig would be so difficult to manage? I mean, a real pig, not a metaphorical one, or a chauvanist one or even a live one. I thought Jaime's head might actually burst into flames right there on that beach. Which would have made for a spectacular luau.

Also, I noticed she doesn't do very well with cab drivers who actually do speak English, either. Thing 1 and I both remarked on her urging the cab driver with the bait of "we're in a race for a million dollars"....unless he's in line to get some of that cash, I doubt he cares one way or the other whether you win or not.

Thank you Anonymous Hawaiian Taxi Dispatcher. You have avenged hapless taxi drivers from all over the world.

Yes, yes, I get it. Deaf people can do anything. Now, please stop convincing me, I'm getting tired of it.

Favorite Line of the Night: "I have no pants". And also, "When did we see JESUS?!?"

Did you notice that the fake-out surf boards had symbols from past seasons? Irish donkeys! Clowns! Giant Kiwifruit! I really wish I could find out what event Luke thought that Grateful Dead psycadelic skull represented.

Apparently, there will be another Amazing Race in the fall! Until then!

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 10

An appearance by Jerome the Gnome!! It was like seeing an old friend again! I liked how Jerome had to wear a headpiece in the Opera House.

As someone with the tiniest bladder in the history of human anatomy, I can totally sympathize with Jen's desperation to get to a toilet. In that state, it's all you can think about, million dollars be damned. But four bottles of water? Damn, no bladder can sustain that enslaught, I don't care who you are.
It did seem to me that Killer Fatigue had gotten to Jen in the last episode, and she had checked out of the race already.....remember, this was right after her meltdown at the pool. You could see when they found out they were U-Turned her whole body language said "Screw this".

I was laughing out loud at the translations of the sister's Mandarin at the restaurant. I could have watched "good western head lacks fish" all night.

I also laughed at the Redhead's cab driver when they launched the gnome over the seat at him to show him the bottom and the directions. I don't know how to say "What the hell is that!?!" in Chinese, but I sure know how it looks.

Jaime continues to give the entire nation of China a reason to hate her. (And having a billion people hate you is nothing to sneeze at.) When she snotted "see, this is why I didn't want to go to China. It sucks" I hoped we'd see some of the Chinese government's famed human rights violations whirl into practice right there and then.

Have you noticed that Jaime never blames herself for their performance? They spent 3 hours (!) looking for that clue box and it was right in the Opera House, and yet she never said "how could I be so stupid", she blamed Cara. And of course, the cab drivers. Always the cab drivers. Do you think maybe her shreiking and yelling had anything to do with nobody helping them? No. Couldn't be that.

Cara I am starting to really love. Unfortunately, Cara winning would mean Jaime winning, and that would be no good at all. I think Cara has finally had enough of her partner, witnessed by the WTF look she gave the camera when Jaime was giving out about her. And she rocked that roadblock...I read that she was the fasted racer there, taking only seven minutes. (Jen apparently took 30.)

Favorite Line of the Night: from Margie...."He made me look like Alice Cooper".

Until next week!

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 10

Uber-leg!! I didn't see that coming! Thing 1 was very quick, she noticed that there was no greeter with Phil on the mat right away, and when he told Cara and Jaime that they were the first team to arrive, we knew something was up. The look on their faces when he handed them that clue was worth the price of admission alone!

You know, I always liked having my feet massaged, and would do almost anything to have it done. But now on my list of Things In This Life To Avoid, is having a sadistically grinning Chinese lady drive her knuckles into the bottom of my foot and tell me it's beneficial.
And Cara? I'm willing to bet that it's NOT as bad as having a baby. Unless the foot massage goes on for 8 or 12 hours. I really wish we had seen Jaime get that foot massage. That would have been awesome.
Also, note the difference in "support" from the waiting partner: Jen to Keisha: "you can do it, it's almost over, you're doing so well". Jaime to Cara: "If you give up I will hurt you".

Have these guys had to drive themselves at all during this race? It seems like they take a LOT of taxis. Also missing? Drunken locals. Haven't seen any of them since Russia.

Why didn't Tammy and Victor count out their jumps on the diving board before taking off? Wouldn't that have given them a better chance of hitting the water simultaneously?

I enjoyed Victor imitating the Evil Mutant Talking Toes to his sister. Such a big brother...."TA-A-A-A-A-M-M-M-M-M-M-E-E-E-E-E-!"

Even though I've lost a lot of love for Keisha and Jen these past episodes (the whole "patented dumb look" and "me no speaky the English" at the airport) I had a certain sympathy for them at the pool. Jen's meltdown was as much about the Killer Fatigue as it was about getting in the water, and Keisha's patient coaxing and desire to finish the task was admirable. I know I'd have been having my own meltdown right beside my partner if I'd been her.

And Margie's snark at the sisters getting in line ahead of her at the airport? Lame. It's a race. No the Amazing Pre-School;, you get in line first when you get the opportunity to get in line first.

Favorite Part of the Night: Tammy says, laughing, "put everyone else in the back of the plane", and then Jaime and Cara getting off griping "we were in the very last row!"

I was laughing when Victor was having his leg cramp (Not because of the leg cramp, those babies hurt.) but Tammy's business-like "Could you please black out from that excruciating pain while we drive? Just get in the car and you can faint then."

Sigh....I still miss Mike and Mel.

Next week...Jaime is STILL in China, and *surprise* the population has not learned English over the weekend.

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 9

I was tired of the whole Grade Six Girl Drama at the cluebox way before they got to the Amazing Bathmat. I've got plenty of Grade Six Girl Drama going on at home, I don't need it on my tv.
I don't care who was there first or who said what to whom, both Keisha and Luke came off looking like idiots. Would it kill either one of them to wait the, oh, I don't know, 12 tenths of a second for the other one to get out of the way either time? It seems to me that when people claim to be "competitive", it's really an excuse to behave like an asshole.

Too bad for Jaime that this race takes her to places where there are other people. I'm sure she had no idea whatsoever that this whole adventure would entail cities and popular places and people who don't speak English. I certainly hope she is able to go back to her life as a cave-dwelling hermit after this.
I thought her head might actually burst into flames when the dancing judge told them they didn't do the dance properly. Female Dancing Judge was enjoying her authority way too much, if you ask me.

Apparently, you have to either be female, or able to pass as one, to be a cab driver in Guilin.

I loved the two old people eating lunch at the Pit Stop. What a job that would be..."here, sit down, have some tea and rice, and when sweaty, heaving foreigners come tearing up to the mat, say your bit."

The Stuntbrothers never had a chance, did they? Although that was possibly the worst Speed Bump ever....they didn't even have to style those two old ladies. By the way, how much do you think they got paid to be manhandled by those two? I was shouting the whole time "you don't need to shampoo her eyebrows too!!"

Favorite Line of the Night: "We can understand our cabbie when he tells us he doesn't know where he's going".

Speaking Chinese wasn't much of an advantage for Victor and Tammy, although if the calligraphy task had gone a little differently, it might have. I guess the whole idea of the tast was that you had to copy the names down, and then ask a local to interpret it for you. If you didn't do a good job, you could easily get told to go the wrong way. So Victor and Tammy's skills helped everyone else as well as them.
How uncomfortable did Victor look during the Pit Stop drama?

I guess I'm hoping Victor and Tammy win now. They're the only ones who seem to be having a good time.

Until next week!

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 8

Wow, the producers sure hate the Stuntbrothers....I've never seen anyone get such harsh penalties two legs in a row. Thing 1 and I were agog.

Apparently that rule about not settling your bill with possessions you brought with you has been around for a while, just nobody's ever tried to circumvent it before. I heard it is there so that racers can't load up on diamond rings and Levis before the race, in case they want to use it later. Certainly the Tweedles were nodding their heads when Phil was admonishing them, so that would indicate that they knew about it. I did like when they were trying to weasel their way out of it, and Phil was having none of it... "we weren't trying to pay the cabbies, they were gifts". ....the look on his face was all "nice try, but no".

I loved the "Party Cabs"...we'd have done that Detour for sure! In fact, Thing 1 and I are seriously considering starting up our own Party Cab company here, it would be our first million! Our only problem is rounding up that many happy, tuneful transvestites; they seem to be thin on the ground in our neck of the woods. How funny was it that the Stuntbrothers never seemed to pick up on the fact that their "pretty girls" were actually men?

Apparently, they are going to China next week. I wonder how many people Jamie will find who speak English there.

Favorite Exchange of the Night: Jaime: "I like to call dogs doogies for some reason." Cara: "I like to call them dogs." *eyeroll*

Rule Number One on the Race: "Read the clue carefully", Rule Number Two: "NEVER put down the Amazing Fanny Pack. Like, NEVER." Rule Number Three: "Never accept a food challenge in Asia".

Usually "journey on by boat" means "you will never set foot on this particular piece of God's green earth ever again. Get your shit together". To me, anyway.

What was all that about "singing karaoke is as easy for us as getting up in the morning", or some other stupid shit that the older Stuntbrother was spouting?? Honestly, I wonder if he ever notices that he's talking out loud most of the time.

That denture detour was one of the most thrillingly weird things they have ever done on this show.

The Thai parrot greeter was one of my favorite greeters ever.

Until next week!

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 7

Another nice team gone....I was enjoying Mel and Mike very much, and had hoped that they would be in the finale. But they didn't have much of a chance of gaining time after that cabbie debacle, and it was their own fault for not questioning the location of the gorilla more.
Another Rule of The Amazing Race: when everyone else is going in one direction and you are going in the complete opposite, ask around a bit more.

I went from liking all the teams, and not particularly wanting any one team to win, to not liking The Tweedles and The Redheads very much, and now I'm down to wanting Tammy and Victor or Margie and Luke to win.
Damn, the Tweedles constant self-congratulations is wearing very thin, don't you think? And, seriously, if you are so unspeakably superiour to everyone else on this race, is it really necessary to mess with their equipment? Why not just let them fail as nature clearly intended? I think that, in addition to the 30 minute penalty, the people who had to pull the rickshaws with the flat tires should be able to give the Tweedles a good ass-kicking, too. The pretty Thai greeter didn't seem to impressed with them, either.

And after her giggly confessional and subsequent foul treatment of the shopkeeper, Jamie is dead to me. I think he was going slower and messing with her because of the shreiking. I know I would. So, she doesn't like foreign languages and dislikes people? What a surprise this Race must have been!
When Jamie said that she would happily live with animals rather than deal with people, I was all "but....animals don't speak English, do they?"

I wonder what the locals must have thought of all that..."Honey, you're not going to believe what happened at work today! I was standing in front of the shop, minding my own business, when about 4 taxis full of screaming Americans descended on us like a flock of locusts, and waved around a picture of that gorilla statue from the zoo, and shreiked and carried on like lunatics, and then they all took off. It was bizarre."

That whole sneezing in the cab scene by Keisha and Jen had me howling with laughter....I must have replayed that about 10 times. The hilarious sound of the sneezing was bad enough, but when Jen snarked "shut up" I really lost it.

If that tiger handler was banging me around the face with a stick, I'd have bitten off his arm, too.

Favorite Exchange of the Night: Mike: Do you speak any Thai? Mel: Yes: Mai Tai..... That was a pun. Mike: (staring straight ahead) I know." My children and I have this exact conversation all the time.

Another addition onto the List Of Things I Really Don't Ever Want To Do: Have an elephant jiggle my butt fat. (Also on the List: Attend any sort of car racing event, swim under ice, be abducted by aliens, see Paris Hilton ever again.)

If I was Margie, I would consider suffering heat exhaustion and dehydration to be totally worth it if I got to swoon in Phil's arms just once.

Until next week!

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 6

Was it just me or was that episode sort of....bland, especiallly for being in India? Other than Lukes tears for the children and Jaime crying because of the poverty of animals, there was none of the emotional tsunamis we Race fans have come to expect in India. It seemed to me that this wasn't a particularly well designed leg...there wasn't much of a chance for anyone to speed ahead or get lost or even lose sight of the pack much. The Flight Attendants never stood a chance.

I was sad to see those two go, actually. I liked their non-whiney, down and dirty attitude to getting things done.

Wow! Sober locals! And I do mean sober. Those camel-wranglers barely cracked a smile the whole time those fools were using their shirts to transport camel feed.

I'm getting a little tired or Jamie's "don't you speak English" freak out in every country. Because surely she had to know that she would be travelling through foreign countries where English isn't routinely spoken when she signed up for this. Maybe I'm just getting tired of Jamie.

Victor and Tammy have grown on me since Romania. I didn't think I'd ever get to like him, but he's proven himself to have learned a bit from his mistakes, and his obvious delight in everything certainly has gone a long way in redeeming himself. And Tammy's megawatt smile helps, too.
But they can lay off the "we're breaking stereotypes" thing....I have no preconcieved notions about attractive, educated, Asian-American lawyers whatsoever, so my expectations are nil.

That Indian greeter was a hoot! I swear I had about 4 boys in my Grade 8 music class do exactly the same thing with the recorders we were learning on. You'd be surprised at how much noise 4 13 year old boys can make with 8 recorders up their noses.

Good on yer, Mel! With all the death-rattle wheezing during the camel task, I thought for sure he'd be India's first victim this race, but he pulled it out and did just fine. Plus, I'm all soft for a guy who feels badly about yelling at a cab driver (Jamie, take note.) and he was all proud of himself because his son was proud of him. That was nice.

That camel kick must have hurt like crazy. Did you see that guy go down like a sack of potatoes?
And the camel was so awesomely casual about it, he barely stopped chewing.

Next week: I would happily endure dehydration and exhaustion if it meant I could faint in Phil's arms. I would hope my partner would make sure I was wearing lip gloss right beforehand.

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 5

What a bunch of cold weather wimps. At first I thought that the thermometer in Novosibirsk said -30°C, which is definitely ass-cracking cold, but then another shot said it was -4°C. Here in Canada, we start pulling out the flip-flops and fire up the BBQ at -4.

My List of Things To Master Before Going on The Race continues to grow, with "be able to run without passing out after 30 seconds" joining "Learn Chinese", "Learn to row a boat" and "Be able to make fire with wet sand and your own urine". (Oh, sorry, that last one was for "Survivor".) I already know how to drive a standard and say "thank you" in Russian, Japanese and Irish.

More drunken locals!! This is decidedly a new theme this season! Pity they didn't come to southwestern Ontario during the May 24th holiday, we could provide plenty for them.

The producers must love me, because PHIL IN HIS SKIVVIES!!! That was just for me, I know.
Christmas is early this year.

I'm glad the flight attendants aren't out, I hadn't realized how much I liked them until I thought they might be gone. They just put their heads down and get the job done; I like that. And the one that ran in her thong? She's some kind of woman, that one. Running in a thong isn't very pleasant, I imagine; Big Liver Girl did it once and said she thought she might have set her bum on fire from all the friction. (Thing 1 and I argued over who would have to do that Roadblock, because everyone knows I have no shame, but she would look much, MUCH better in her underwear than me. Plus, she would probably be able to run without having a heart attack, whereas me? not so much.) The two sisters are kind of whiney, they don't seem to be enjoying this very much.

Little Ballerina had a big booming manly voice, didn't she?

Best Line of the Night: "Any place that has that many consonants in it is not warm."

That third groom/soldier looked like he was about 14. Maybe he should have been marrying Little Manly Ballerina at his fake wedding.

I'm a little confused over Margie and Luke being mad that Victor and Tammy didn't wait for them. Isn't this the team that U-Turned Amanda and Kris last week, causing them to be eliminated? Isn't, you know, going ahead of another team part of the race too?

Those were some really strange looking snow plows. Like, Dr. Seuss snowplows. Those crazy Russians!

Next week: India! As we have seen in the past, India is kriptonite for Racers, at least one team just dissolves like the Wicked Witch of the West in India.

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 3

Brad and Victoria seemed very nice, and I'm always happy to see the fit, oldsters do well in this thing, but these two were Philiminated because of their bone-headed decision making, not because they couldn't handle the physical end of the Race.
Apart from the fact that going from Munich to Amsterdam to get to Bucharest is sort of like going from Toronto to Atlanta to get to Montreal, if I were on that race I'd pick a direct flight over a connecting flight no matter what....I can't seem to ever get a connecting flight ever anywhere that I don't end up sleeping in an airport on top of my luggage.
I'm kind of surprised that they had to finish the race when they were so clearly behind everyone else. Usually when that happens Phil finds you and puts you out of your misery. Maybe the producers just liked the idea of Brad and Victoria covering themselves in blood.

The gymnastics task had Thing 1 and I arguing over who would get to do it....we both think we have an "inner Nadia" busting to get out. Those balance beams are narrow, I'm surprised they didn't have more people toppling off that. But they did have trouble on the parallel bars, because those things?? are a bitch. Neither Thing 1 or I have any upper body strength whatsoever, so we'd have been decidedly ungainly on that. We were very puzzled as to why Tammy couldn't do a cartwheel or a sommersault, we thought everyone could do that. Maybe she didn't get outside much as a kid, because her older brother told her not to. Could you see either of the two Frat Boys from last season doing that task? We were in fits just thinking about it.

Speaking of Victor, he seems like a tool, although one of the nicest tools I've ever seen. And a bit of a drama queen, too. "I don't care if I die"? What's with that? I think Victor is more in line for a heart attack than Mel.

Those gypsy families sure had some weird-ass belongings. Does every gypsy family come equipped with a burnt-out car chassis and some plastic goat harnesses? I wonder if the producers have come up with a new strategy for keeping the locals happy and laughing throughout the filming: beer. Last week we had drunken Germans, this week it was drunken Romanians and the first week there were some very easily amused Swiss guys the first week.

Kris, learn from Dallas, and never, ever take off the fanny pack. It's called a "fanny pack" because is stays on your fanny. Get it?

I'm pleasantly surprised that, in this point in the race, I like every team. A first, I think.

Until next week!

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 2, Again

Many thanks to Thing 1 for taking over my blogging duties yesterday. The Mister and I went to a hair show in Toronto, which necessitated us getting up at 5 a.m. and getting home at 9:30 p.m. As much as I tried to type out the blog on the Mister's IPod Touch, I got a headache after the third or fourth stab at logging on to my website on that teeny-tiny screen, and abandoned the whole escapade before I had a stroke.

Just a few things to add to Thing 1's analysis of the Race:

• As much as I liked Steve and Linda, who seemed like very nice people, I was happy enough to see them go. Every time she wailed "he's going to hate me" it was like watching kittens drowning. I just couldn't bear seeing them go through this anymore.
• It's a good thing my brother and I aren't running this race, because we would still be there throwing pies at each other, because that is a life-long sibling wish, I don't care who you are. On the other hand, I would have real trouble throwing pies in my mother's face. That's just not right.
• the flight attendants have not been able to capitalize either on their looks or their extensive travelling experience yet, it would seem. Somehow I would have thought that their superiority in both would have prevented them from hauling around a large, random hunk of wood for what seemed like a very long time.
• "Your Target Is Your Partner's Face" is going on a t-shirt.

Amazing Race 14, Ep. 1

Hello, my Race, so nice to see you again!

That was a fabulous first leg! Deaf guy! Tiny little stunt men! Hillibillies! Ned Schneebly from "School of Rock"! And best of all, the eternal Bickering Couple Who Come On The Race To See If They Have A Future Together were eliminated first! It's all good!

The Bickering Hicks can go soon, too. Honestly, if I'm running as fast as I can and someone is yelling at me to run faster, my first instinct is not "oh, gosh, he's right, I should harness that ability to run faster than I am physically able right now." My first instinct is to sit down right where I am and yell obscenities at them. Their dynamic is rather painful to watch, and I'd rather not. And while we are on the topic of the Hicks, are there no functional, fit and gainfully employed Southerners that are willing to be cast on this show?

That cheese challenge was the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time. Was it just me, or did those "traditional cheese carriers" appear to be made out of styrofoam and balsa wood? The wouldn't carry popcorn and feathers without breaking, I think. At first, I wondered why they didn't just toss the cheese down the hill and let gravity do the work for them, and then I saw those things careen down the hill at Mach 1 like 50 pound bowling balls, and I figured that was the reason. You could break a leg with one of those things. Oh, and I loved the Gauntlet of Cowbells. More cowbell!

Favorite Line of the Night: "Don't let a cheese hit me." I'll bet that's a sentence he never thought he'd say.

That bungee jump was wicked. Props to the nervous blond who didn't want to do it...she just sucked it up and got on with it, no muss no fuss. I was impressed, considering that Thing 1 and I spent 10 minutes arguing why the other one of us would be doing that if we were on that race, and we were both almost in tears just talking about it. I loved the Stunt Guy doing it, "just another day at the office".

I'm sorry, but has being blond and pretty EVER worked in anyone's favor on this race? Ever? Because every season, someone thinks that this is an amazing advantage, and I've certainly never seen any evidence whatsoever to make them think that this is so.

I loved the yodellers, and the fact that the racers had to find them....too funny. And the irony that the deaf guy and his mom did it first is not lost on me.

Sigh....I love Phil. Him learning that bit of sign language made me all teary and melty, and he was wearing a sweater that I heart very much.

Until next week!