Monday, April 30, 2012

Amazing Race 20, Episode 9

I knew Mark and Bopper were out before they even left their hotel room, but I still was sorry to see them go. (They left 3 hours behind the next-to-last team, and the rest of the day didn't look like it too much more than three hours to get through....they didn't stand a chance, unless someone else collapsed entirely, which, believe me, I was hoping Art and J.J. would do.)
 Those guys not only seemed to be having the time of their lives (despite the puking, the knee problems and the intravenous fluids.) and they showed what real friendship is all about. And it occurs to me that interracial friendships in rural Kentucky are probably not all that common even now, and those two make it look like it's no big deal. These guys completely won me over; I wasn't terribly keen on them in the beginning, mostly because Bopper has no inside voice.

I've come to realize that there are a few unofficial rules about this race that one must internalize if one is going to get through this: 1) Never accept a food challenge in Asia  2) "Needle in a Haystack" options are always risky 2) A Fast Forward in India will mean you will be bald. 4) always accept a challenge involving poop; they are smelly but fast.
Also: one should learn to drive a stick-shift, learn Chinese, know how to read a map and not be afraid of heights, water, animals or poop.

I've figured out who Vanessa reminds me of! She's Gabriella Solis, from "Desperate Housewives".

I can't say I'm surprised or even mad at Rachel for not shaving her head; shaving one's head is a pretty big deal for a girl, and an even bigger deal for a 12 year old girl, which Rachel is. I think I would have done it, but then again, I've been a hairdresser for almost 30 years; I've had some pretty horrendous hair-dos over the years that shaving my head would have come as a welcome option. I'd be some pissed, though, if I'd have come to the Pit Stop with my shaved head only to find out that everyone else checked in before I'd taken the clippers to my noggin.
At least Bopper's hair will grow back...remember the guys who had to get tattoos a few season ago? They'll have those stupid things forever.

Art and J.J. have slowly been falling apart since that whole U-Turn thing a few legs ago, no? I like how J.J. was offended that no one else took the fast forward, like it was done to him. I so don't want these guys to win.

I think I'd be happiest with Rachel and Dave winning; they certainly have played well and don't seem to be paying any attention to anyone else. I just wish he would take the stick out of his butt and enjoy himself a little more. And I'd like to get the name of the person who does Rachel's eyelash extensions, because those babies have stayed put.
And, you know what, I wouldn't even mind if Rachel and Brendan win....despite her fake tears and whining, she has stepped up when it counted, and he seems to be a steady player. (He rocked that wheelbarrow!) But mostly I would be okay with them winning because nothing would piss of Art and J.J. more, and that's always a plus in my books.

Please, please tell me that the team who comes in first at the finale but has to go back and finish the roadblock is Art and J.J. If that happens, I will totally believe in a just and loving God.

You know what's missing from this season? Drunken locals. Just sayin'.

Two hours next week!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Weird Things I'm Pretty Sure Only I Do.

Everyone has their quirks, and some of us have more than others. And, like most everyone, I have a few habits that I'm pretty sure are mine and mine alone. I'd be amazed if anyone else does this....

  • When I am driving and see a cat I yell "kitty!". Cows are mooed at. Pigs get a pass.
  • Sometimes when I get home and there is no one else here, I yell "hello!" to the empty house, to startle the serial killer waiting in the basement.
  • When I leave the house, I tell Toby that I'm leaving him in charge, and in case anything happens to us, he is to avenge our deaths.
  • Whenever I hear about the rap singer, Fifty Cent, I immediately re-say his name in my head as "Fiddy Cen". I usually say it out loud, too.
  • When I buys shoes, I always check to see that I actually have the correct size and that I have both a left and a right.
  • When I pack my groceries at the store, I think of the bags as a Tetris game, and try to get the stuff to make a perfect rectangle.
  • I "ruin" songs in my head. I make up lyrics that make no sense whatsoever, and I can never hear the correct lyrics ever again....."Hold me closer Tony Danza, count the head lice on the highway", or "another one rides the bus! And another gets on and another gets on, another one rides the bus!"
  • I try to picture certain people's faces as if they were born a hundred years ago or before that. As in "I can see her Victorian face", or "He looks like he could be medieval."
  • I hate to throw out photographs, because what if the person in them becomes famous someday, and I've thrown away a fortune?
  • I eat apples the same way, every time: first, you eat around the "equator", then turn the apple so that the stem is up, eat all around the top, then spin the apple so that the bottom is on the top, eat all around the bottom. It's the only way to eat an apple.
  • When travelling in an airplane, I wonder if anyone I know is looking at the plane. When looking at a plane, wonder if anyone I know is on board. Because, you know, that plane up in the air at 30,000 feet that is clearly not landing anywhere near me might contain one of my cousins from overseas, or Beyonce.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Amazing Race 20, Episode 8

Welcome to Bullshit Gender Stereotype Hour! Of course, I'm probably being too emotional about it, because I am a girl. Maybe dancing and listening to my frickin' husband would restore my equilibrium. As long as I don't hit a ball better than some man and destroy all his self-esteem!

One more instance of India being Kriptonite to racers. There is always one racer who gets cut off in the knees by India. Every single time.

Man, there was a LOT of whining about curve balls and men not being able to dance and getting screwed over this leg.....I guess real men have to have every little thing go exactly their way in order to get the job done.

Dear Border Patrol, You made me root for Rachel at that cricket task. Don't make me do that; I need a shower every time I think of it. P.S, I'm thrilled she beat you at a "real" sport, not a "girly" activity that you can dismiss.

I dont' know a lot about cricket, but I do know some, thanks to an uncle and male cousin in Ireland who spent the better part of an afternoon trying to enlighten me as to it's most basic points. (Conclusion? Cricket, like most sports, should only be enjoyed by those who give a rat's ass.) From what I could see, those bowlers were going so easy on them....a bowler who was trying would have had J.J. in tears within a couple of minutes. The point of throwing the ball is to hit those three little wickets behind the batter; the way J.J. and Art were trying to hit it like a baseball meant that they weren't holding the bat anywhere near where the ball usually goes.

How much did I love that it was a Non-Elimination tonight? I'm sure Mark and Bopper are eleventy-two hours behind everyone else, and unless there is an "Hours of Operation" bunching coming up soon, they haven't got a snowball's chance in Cochin of staying in this thing, but I love that this was not their last shot at it.
One of the things I love about these two is that, through all that incredibly difficult, frustrating, exhausting task, neither one of them took it out on the judges, other racers or each other. Commendable. And, of course, I love them because of their succinct assessment of Art and J.J.: "They're babies."

. I saw on the net that Mark got some food and water and a rest before trying that last time. Which was good, because heat stroke is not something you want to fool around with. I'm sure he was already dehydrated from the puking on the bus. I'm not sure which would be worse: being out of the race, or winding up in an Indian hospital

I'm pretty sure that had Mark not succeeded that last time, that mob of angry purple dancers would have beaten the director to death. How long were they out in that sun, too?

I'm glad there was not too much time taken up with Art and J.J. duking it out with Rachel and Dave about the U-Turn. And I'm glad Rachel and Dave dont' really seem to care about it either. Apparently, they are supposed to be quaking in their boots about not being spoken to by Art and J.J. for the rest of the race, which is actually a huge bonus, if you ask me.

I really, really hope that there is one more U-Turn on this race, and that Rachel and Dave use it against Art and J.J.  I wouldn't care who wins this freaking race, it would be worth it just to see J.J's head burst into flames.

One of my favorite parts of the whole night was when Mark slipped into "Pirate Speak" on that bus, and announced he needed some "fresh arrgh!" I nearly herniated myself laughing at that.

Blond Rachel really nailed the dancing task, and the driving task too. It's too bad her husband sees her as a barely acceptable liability that he has to tolerate before demonstrating his own awesomeness. It's like he just can't help being an asshole. Would it kill him to give her one compliment? She is rocking this whole race.

Vanessa failed Driver's Ed? Really? I'm shocked! She seems so level headed and capable. Of course, I forgot, she's a girl. Girls can't drive.

Thing 1 and I would have taken the driving task in a heartbeat; those things looked like golf carts, and we LOVE driving golf carts. It's the whole reason we golf! And neither of us could hit a ball with a bat if our loved one's lives depended on it; we'd be there still, a bit puddle of frustrated, weepy yuck. I'm sorry they didn't make them do the task out on the streets, like they have before. The horns alone were worth the ride.

Next week: Rachel says something in a whiny voice. Thankfully, only dogs can hear her.

Until next week!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Amazing Race 20, Episode 7

Where do I start? The whining! The bitching! The snivelling! And, for once, it wasn't coming from Sparkly Green Rachel!
Honestly, I thought Art and J.J. were going to lay down on the beautiful African ground and have a full blown tantrum there, complete with fist-pounding and kicking and screaming. Good lord but they are two noisy cry babies.
 It's not like Dave and Rachel screwed them over, they very reasonably decided not to U-Turn anyone because that was their perogative. Art and J.J whined more than the actual teams that were U-Turned. And Rachel was right, there was no need to U-Turn anyone, the "teachers" left the Pit Start three and a half hours after they did; they were hopelessly behind everyone.

I'm pretty sure they were so mad because A) they were hoping Rachel and Dave would use their U-Turn, thereby leaving Art and J.J. to use their U-Turn later,as well as doing Art and J.J.'s dirty work for them or B) they were mad Rachel and Dave came in before them, and they got beaten by a girl, again.  

I liked when they fumed "we're just going to run our own race from now on".....that's the whole idea of this thing, you two entitled nutsacks! It's not "Survivor"; you don't have to depend on anyone but yourselves to get through this thing.

That Tanzanian scenery was easily one of the most beautiful things they've ever shown on this race. I'm so glad I have HDTV. It looked like an incredible experience.

Dave of Dave and Rachel really has one default reaction to everything, doesn't he? He's either sleeping, or a dickhead. Why is everything her fault? I loved that Phil had to remind him that she is kicking ass at this thing, and maybe he should take his head out of his butt and see that.

I have to thank the producers for putting "I'm All Out of Love" in my head for the past 24 hours....that reference to Air Supply was all it took.

The way that leg was set up, I don't think Jaime and Nary had even the tiniest chance to catch up. I suppose the producers thought the bee task might freak someone out and add a bit of drama, but it really turned out to be a snorer.

Those greeters had the best hats ever!

I hope Bopper and Mark don't collapse and die on the next leg. I'd love for them to win, but it looks like they will either have heart attacks or need a leg amputation soon.

Until next week!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Amazing Race 20, Episode 6

 I figured this would be a non-elimination round when they said the racers had to put up their tent and then they'd have to spend the night there, especially when it was such a remote location. Otherwise, they'd have to say "I'm sorry you've been eliminated from the race. You have to stay here, though, with everyone else, until we can find you a nice hotel with running water, which is three days away."

I wish they had given me more of the incredibly gorgeous scenery that is eastern Africa, than two overgrown school girls sniping and bitching in the airport. Seriously, those two are each as bad as each other. Last season was really very entertaining because there wasn't so much sniping and bitching (unless you count Cindy at Ernie).
I think part of the problem I'm having with this season is that there's not very many likable or interesting people left. Even the ones that are likeable aren't that interesting.

Good God, did I just hear blond Rachel say "uh-oh...natives." Because, oh my. What is she, some Victorian missionary who's afraid they'll chop off her head and wear it as a necklace? YOU have come to visit THEM, girlie;  you can tone down the pearl-clutching and the swooning.

I'm sure the producers thought that jumping up and down for 60 seconds at 8000 feet above sea level was going to be way, way more challenging than it was, but really? That's a detour task? I'm a firm believer that one can stand anything for 60 seconds, and jumping in place isn't exactly straining the limits of human endurance. It looks like Mark and Bopper had a ball doing that, and I thought Bopper was pretty close to a heart attack more than once on this show.

You know how in grade school and high school you had that one friend who you sort of liked and sort of didn't, and you'd have fun with them that one time and you'd think "I've been a little hard on you,maybe you're not so bad after all", and then they would say or do something that would piss you right off and then you'd think "I knew there was a reason I didn't hang out with you!". Art and J.J are those friends.
Every now and then they do something, like give Bopper some money, and I'd think they weren't such ass-hats, and then they open their mouths, and with the next breath, make me want to punch them in the throats. "I feel like a woman", in the tent, made my head explode.
And dont' get me started on the "why are they always following us" whine........they're following you because they are going to the same place you are, you idiots. Did they want Brendan and Rachel to get to Kilamanjaro via Tokyo or something? And when there is only one tiny road out of the remote African villiage, yes, they are going to take the same road as you.
When Art and J.J. said that this was why they didn't come on the race with their wives, I'm sure the Mrs.s were sitting at home watching this, sipping their chilled chardonnay and thinking, "no, THIS is why we didn't go on the race with YOU."

 Those two douchebags sense of entitlement in winning this race is getting very tiresome. I was delighted that they came in third last night. And they were beaten by a girl, too.

My favorite moments of the night were when Mark said to Bopper "don't fart on me", which I would totally have said too, and when Nary and Jamie stopped, got out of the car, and watched the elephants. Because I don't care how much I would want to win this thing, I would never have passed up the opportunity to see elephants wandering around in the wild; that's a once in a lifetime chance.

That was the most spectacular Pit Stop ever.