Monday, May 6, 2013

Amazing Race 22: Finale

Well, I can't say that that was the most nail-biting of finishes, but at least Max and Katie didn't win. I liked the Hockey Players all along, so I'm very happy that they won. It was nice to see guys who are clearly competitive not see that as an excuse to be assholes. And Bates was very cute when he took of his hat to meet the President.

OF COURSE bog-snokelling was concocted over a pint of Guinness! How else would anyone come up with something like that? You put a bunch of drunken Irishmen together in a room and, guaranteed, someone will come up with some of the stupidest AND most brilliant ideas ever known to man. Unfortunately, the stupid ones are the ones everyone rushes out to actually do, alchol and testosterone being a potent mix.

I couldn't figure out what was so panic-inducing about that bog snorkelling, but clearly, it gave certain people a major case of the collywobbles. Personally, I can't think of anything I would less like to do than to cannonball into a cold, muddy pond of bog water. I give Katie props, though, she's a snotty bag of smug, but she did that task without much complaint. All she said was "this was not part of the honeymoon plans", which I can't hold against her. Aren't  you glad we didn't have to watch Wynona do that task? Just getting into the wet suit would have been a nightmare.

I'm certainly glad Max and Katie are married to each other, because that means they won't inflict themselves on anyone else while they are. Katie calling Max and idiot during the spy task, when he wasn't really doing anything objectionable, does not bode well for their relationship. And I wanted to smack Max in his smug little face when he was needling the Roller Derby moms about how they felt when they realized they were behind everyone else when they landed in Scotland. He reminds me of that kid everyone hated in Grade 7 who teased people mercilessly about their weakest points, but hated it when someone pointed out that he was short. And I'll bet there are lots of Republicans this morning saying "dude, we've got enough of a PR problem, shut up!"

The Country Singers were never the greatest racers, but I did like their dynamic, and the fact that they really seemed to be enjoying themselves. I especially liked they way they dealt with each other when things got tough; they never took their frustrations out on each other. If Max had crawled up on the grassy bank during the bog snorkelling and said he couldn't finish, Katie would have stomped on his hands and kicked him back in, while telling him how stupid he was.

 I'm sad that no one knows what colour "chartruse" is.

How disgusting was that food by the time it got to the table? I hope no one was expected to actually eat it, because that Cream of Barley soup was probably a yuccky mess when it was hot, let alone when it was a cold bowl of glop. Why did the tent have to be so far from the prep area anyway? Other than to make everyone run a mile between the two points.

Favorite Line of the Night: Bates: "The hardest part of that was getting your junk into that wetsuit".

Why did Conor and Dave get so much time at the Finish Line to tell us yet again about Dave's injury?

The Amazing Race Canada starts on July 15th. My friend, Big Liver Girl and I applied, but we didnt' get selected. Part of me is sad that the Race is going on somewhere without me, but on the other hand, I'm enjoying a glass of wine in my breezeway, rather than cannonballing into a bog somewhere, so there's that.

Until July!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Amazing Race, Episode 10

Is it just me or is this season a little, um......boring? Not boring, exactly, but not terrribly interesting. The locales are spectacular, no doubt about it, in that vein, this is one of the best seasons ever, but maybe it's the teams or the tasks, but I'm finding myself not terribly invested in this season. Maybe it's the fact that even Max and Katie cannot seem to muster up enough enthusiasm for being the dastardly villans they promised they would be at the beginning of this thing.

Not much of an opportunity to change things up this leg; with the Double-U-Turn (a W-Turn!) really meaning that the last two teams would still be the last two teams. Also, Mona and Beth kick ass, so Meghan and Joey were a forgone conclusion to be out. Seriously, they handled a Double U-Turn, AND a Speed Bump and still managed to stay in the game. I give them props, those ladies are tough.

I would enjoy a U-Turn so much more if it wasn't telegraphed from the PitStart....if it came as a surprise, and the whole alliance didn't get together to decide how to use it beforehand, it would make for a much more interesting game. Also, if we could get rid of it altogether, that would be ok too.

Joey seemed to me to be all kinds of likeable when he expressed himself like a normal, genuine human being, rather than a Disney side-kick. That squealing and flailing of hands got on my last nerve.....he reminded me way too much of my kids' sleepover parties, where someone was making that noise every minute of the night, and I only got through it by drinking wine and wearing earphones.
 However, he handled the stress of this race better than almost anyone else I've ever seen; we never saw him be anything other than supportive and patient with Meghan, even when she was the reason they were flagging, and he enjoyed himself every step of the way. I prefer that to Max and Katie's smug faces any day.

Speaking of Katie, I can't figure out if she's completely without a human emotion, or just tired. Girl has some bitchin' hair, though.

I've eaten haggis before, it's really not that bad. As long as you don't think too hard about what, exactly, you are eating.Like most sausage, really.  A couple of mouthfuls of it would be okay, especiallly if you were cold and  hungry. I kept thinking of that Mike Myers movie where he said "I think all Scottish food is based on a dare."

The whisky rolling teams should have at least got a shot of whiskey at the end.

Appropos of nothing, but my friend Sandy's daughter, Meredith, looked JUST like the Scottish whiskey-counting clue giver.

Favorite Line of the Night: From one Country Singer: "I met my husband today in Scotland. His name is Jim. He's 70."

The Robbie Burns impersonator was having the time of his life, wasn't he? Who knew that gig would be so much fun?

Was I the only one who thought the greeter was the Phantom of the Opera?

Two hour finale next week! I just hope Max and Katie don't win!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 9

I'm happy enough that this was a Non-Elimination Leg, because I like both teams that were in last place. The Roller Derby Moms are pretty low-drama, and they certainly don't seem to freak out very easily.
I like Bates and Anthony, only because, again, they seem pretty low drama, and they also don't like Max, which is A-Okay by me. Bates certainly didn't seem too put out at having his knapsack gone.

Are Max and Katie having any fun at all? Because, judging from her reaction on the Amazing Bathmat to coming in first and having won a car, she'd rather be having a root canal. Seriously, I've been way more excited than that when I find out there's going to be cupcakes. And Max has more than once remarked that normally he and Katie "wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this", instead of "excellent! I'd never get to see something like this anywhere else!" As much as Joey bugs the ever-livin' snot out of me, he gets big props from me for enjoying every single bit of this experience. But now that I know that Max likes Rush Limbaugh,all I care about is that Max doesn't win.

I think the worst part about that dive off the building would be the few seconds you'd be suspended off the platform, waiting for them to drop you off. Because that? would be awful. I'm with Tall Country Singer, I'm no adrenaline junkie.

Also, what was with Max pointing a finger at Katie and barking "Don't be uncomfortable!"? That seems a little harsh, don't you think? Can't she be uncomfortable while hauling a large, unwieldy neon letter if she likes?

I'm a little unclear, but was that the Hot Dog Vendor that we saw as the Greeter? I noticed there was no "Willkommen to Berlin!"

I did a lot of my university degree studying the Cold War and European and American history, and I understand that not everyone might have my knowledge of that era, but come ON, somebody thought that Ronald Reagan wanted to tear down the Great Wall of China? Or that Roosevelt was around when the Berlin Wall was built? There's no excuse for cultural ignorance. I'm looking at you Joey, who struggled with all that stuff, but probably knows Britney Spears kids names and every Kardashians' birthday.

Favorite Line of the Night: "I thought you were the cat police". Germany certainly is giving Japan a run for its money in the Strange Shit Olymics.

That maze is exactly what I imagine the inside of Charlie Sheen's brain to be like.
I am so very, very glad that we did not have to see Wynona slog through that place. Can you imagine?? The whining. The whining.

Oh, Mister German Train Conductor, I think I love you the most. Did you see his face when Joey screeched?

Doesn't is seem like another Race altogether when Conor and Dave were on this thing?

Next week: BAGPIPES! People have to play bagpipes! All I can think of is that episode of "Friends" where Ross decides play the bagpipes at Chandler and Monica's wedding!

Until next week!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 8

For crying out loud, I was seriously afraid that Wynona and Chuck (and us!) were not going to be put out of their collective misery just yet. Sweet Jesus but that woman can whine.
Chuck certainly didn't show himself in a particuarly good light this episode, but he gets a pass from me for literally dragging that woman's ass over three continents, including pushing her up a mountain with his head.
I think the thing that really got to me about this episode with Wynona is that, she never seemed to gain any confidence or think herself more capable, no matter what new experiences she had, or what she accomplished. It was like she was back at Day 1 every freaking time. And she never seemed to enjoy anything, at all, anywhere, she just focused on Chuck and his reaction to her.

I truly missed the laughing Swiss locals at the cheese challenge. Last time, one of the highlights of that event was the small crowd of indigenous people herniating themselves at a bunch of Americans skittering down a steep slope, followed by some rampaging cheese. Maybe the cold and snow kept them inside, laughing about the last time some inept Americans tried to wrangle some cheese.

There wasn't much chance for anyone to switch up the order on this leg....between the tasks, the trains and only having one rope to haul yourself up the mountain, the only way anyone would get ahead or behind was by getting lost. Which is what Joey and Meghan do best.

Speaking of Joey and Meghan, I actually liked Joey at the mat when he was conducting himself like a real, live boy, instead of a caffeine and sugar addled three-year old. He was really nice to Meghan when she was so upset. (I can tell you from bitter experience, that altitude stuff will kick. your. ass. It's like breathing with one lung, through a straw. I really felt for her.)
Too bad that Joey doesn't come out more often. When he was screeching like a banshee on that mountain, I was hoping it might trigger an avalanche. On the other hand, he really is having a blast on this thing. Hard to fault him to much.

I really felt for those dogs who did not want to get on the train. They reminded me of Wynona, except they didn't volunteer for this.

Katie really does have spectacular hair.

I want a sleddy little bicycle like that guy had! Of course, I live in a pretty flat place, albiet with snow, and I wonder how good that thing is for going home, but it still looked pretty nifty.

Every time I saw that guy with the Swiss horn I sang "Riiiiicola!" in my head.

Favorite lines of the night: Max: "this is a perfect time for a cow crossing", and Chuck " "I can't push both sleds and your ass."

As much as I like Bates and Anthony, it seems like a forgone conclusion that they're going to win this thing. A bit of a snooze, but what can you expect when they cast an alpha-male team?
I suspect that the Roller Derby moms will be in the final three as well. They don't get much air-time, those two, but they're good racers with very little drama.

Until next week!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 7

Man, it seemed like we would be getting rid of one of the two teams I dislike the most, and neither one of them goes! How fair is that?

I figured when Pam and Winnie started up with the whole "we have to be smart" stuff that they were doomed. That seems to be the kiss of death for most teams.

Chuck and Wynona have proved themselves to be a pretty good team, once she actually started to participate in this thing. I wish she would stop with the whining, though....she approaches every task with self-doubting moan, ("I'm nervous as hell!") and then does it just fine. They fall behind when physical speed is the important thing, but they excel at anything that involves putting your head down and plodding through.

I was suprised that Wynona didn't know that the "groundhog" was a "meerkat"....didn't she watch the "Lion King" with Chuck? How come she didn't recognize Timon?

Watching Joey for 5 minutes makes me feel like I've had too much caffeine. Maybe if he had stopped playing the eejit, as my dad would say, long enough to actually pay attention to the directions, they might not have gotten so lost. Meghan seems competent enough, and she certainly gets the job done, but she has my undying respect for spending this much time with him and not kicking him in the misters.

Oh, dear, that old metric system is a harsh mistress, no? Kilometers per hour and miles per hour are two very, very different things.
Yet again, we see that flirting is not a reliable plan of action. Has it ever? (I guess it has; Caroline said she's talked her way out of tickets before. Just not in Botswana.)
I did like the Boss Policeman chirping "have a nice day!" as they drove off with their ticket.

Man, Max was having a bad day, wasn't he? I was actually feeling a bit sorry for him when he hit that pole and then put on the windsheild wipers. I've been there. And then I remember what a tool he's been. Not as big a tool as his wife, however.
I love that Katie is "big hair, big brains" and then berates him when HE can't find the car. Man, she's a shrew. Even when her new husband is having the worst day of his life, she still can't help but correct his grammar. On national televsion. While she does nothing to help.

Maybe the Powers That Be thought that there would be more competition for that Fast Forward, but who else would go for it but the first team there? It does nothing to the outcome of the leg when the first team off the PitStart is a half an hour ahead of the next team out.

Also, I'm pretty sure that the crocodiles they showed were nowhere near the Hockey Players during that water skiing run, other than the one on the shore when they were done. I doubt they'd run the risk of having Racers actually being eaten by crocodiles. Perhaps they flooded that river with Valium or something, just to be sure.
I was worried that all those cute baby goats would be crocodile snacks if the Racers tipped those canoes.

By the way, canoeing is hard. The bit of canoeing I've done showed me how difficult it is to keep it going in the direction you want, while also not smacking your companion in the back of the head with your paddle. By accident, of course.

This was a great goats! crocodiles! DONKEYS! Donkeys are like India on this thing, they ususally make someone lose their shit altogther. I'm not sure what the Racers thought that bonking the donkey's noses with the carrots was going to do, but it certainly did not movitate those donkeys one bit.

Favorite Line of the Night: when Chuck said "spread your legs and run your hands up and down the pole". Because I am twelve.

Its the "Country Music Awards" next week, so we have to wait two weeks for the next leg. And, big surprise, Wynona grumbles across another continent!

Until two weeks!


Monday, March 25, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 6

I figured this would be a Non-Elimination Leg when the PitStop was out in the middle of nowhere. Its almost always a Non-Elimination Leg when the last team in would have to stick around with everyone else, for god knows how long, after they're out.

Max and Katie are tiresome, but I knew that from the first time I saw them. My mother always told me that telling people you are "smart" is sort of like telling people you are "classy": if you have to tell them, then you're not.
I'd say they are keeping Katie's intelligence well under wraps, because their performance so far would certainly not alert anyone to it. Besides, superior intelligence has never seemed to me to be a huge advantage in this thing; I mean, the twin DOCTOR brothers on this went out in Leg 2 because they couldnt' swim, not because they couldn't quote the Periodic Table off the tops of their heads.

Good LORD but Joey is annoying! At first I was rolling my eyes at Katie's snotting about "we'd be enjoying this incredible, amazing, glorious plane ride over Africa if we were sharing it with anyone other than Meghan and Joey", but then I realized what sharing a plane with Joey would entail, and I actually felt a bit sorry for her. No doubt it was hard to focus on the scenery and the experience with Joey's helium voice squeaking and shrieking in an enclosed space.
I really, really  hoped he was going to actually mess his pants, while channelling Jerry Lewis.  I so wanted to see what the Kalahari bushmen made of that. He's such an attention whore, though, that I expect he makes the same sort of fuss if they use whole milk in his latte.

One of the best parts of the episode for me was when Joey was beating his narrow, pale chest and declaring himself the "Scorpion Hunting King", while the bushmen in the back were saying "he was really scared, huh?"

Making a fire out of nothing but sticks and animal droppings is incredibly difficult for people who are used to running water and real walls...I'm surprised anyone went for it. Have you ever watched "Survivor"? That show is practically all about making fire. I said I'd only go on "Survivor" after I've figured out how to start a fire with some damp sand and my own urine. I did like that Pam and Winnie said they were prepared for this race because "we watch a lot of TV." Maybe they watch "Survivor".

I hope for Wynona's sake that there are 5 more Roadblocks involving "Digging Shit Up", because so far, she can do that. Of course, her first reaction was "there's NO WAY I can do THAT", but she did. Wynona's constant whining about being old and slow and incapable is now just noise in the background to me.

Chuck is becoming more and more endearing to me....I love when people's actual life skills come into play on this thing. Build a trap? No problem, says Chuck, that was practially my day job in high school. Who else can say that? Certainly not Max, who seemed to think that maybe because he is a cigar salesman, he would be good at making fire, all the while dressed like he's off to pick up his new iPhone.

Did anyone ever say WHY they were hunting scorpions? Why anyone ever hunted scorpions? More importantly, who was the dude who said, you know, maybe if I put this scorpion in my mouth, something cool will happen?

And seriously, Katie? You complained about the smell? Really? What the hell is wrong with you?

Next week: Donkeys! Every episode is better with donkeys!

Until next week.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 5

Man, they really hated John, didn't they? They don't have the "Sleep, Eat, Mingle" time for teams after the PitStop anymore, so even with the small bit of John they got in airports and the like, everyone still figured out what an ass he was.

It's too bad Connor and Dave had to bow out, but they were living on borrowed time anyway, and besides, they went out having kicked some major ass, and on crutches, too. I'll bet they get the first call for the next All-Stars season.

One thing I am liking with Dave and Connor gone is that there is no one who is a shoe-in to win this thing now; anyone could win. Except Chuck and Wynona. They're not going to win.

I don't think I've ever seen a racer having a lousier time on this than Wynona. I get that she probably said she'd do it because Chuck wanted her to, and she also probably never thought she'd have to actually go, but here's the thing: she IS on the race, she does have the chance of a lifetime, and the only choice she has now is her attitude. Seriously, why couldn't she have done the Roadblock with the nice, 70's style, Socialist Propaganda Singers? Come on....she said she was afraid she couldn't run, but really? That "run" was only about 20 yards.
I think her strategy was to make Chuck do all the Roadblocks until they were eliminated, which she was hoping would be about Leg 2. She was looking forward to a nice hotel in Sequesterville with a swim-up bar and some mozzarella sticks.

And speaking of Socialist Propaganda Singers, (band name!), I have to admire anyone who can work the phrase "socialism is beautiful" into a song. Just try finding a rhyme with "socialism".

Pam and Winnie rocked this leg, I was impressed. Of course, I'm less impressed with them now that they like Max and Katie, but whatever. They did make fun of Max's tan at one point, so they still get some points from me. And Max and Katie are far less annoying now that they don't have time to put so much energy into twirling mustaches and tying young women to railroad tracks.

Why did the Blonds wander around whining "we don't know what we're doing"? Didn't they have a clue they could go back and read? I did like the Vietnamese version of Wizard Chess, that was very cool. I wonder if anyone actually plays chess like that.

Joey, and les so, Meghan, are tiresome, aren't they? They were very offended that everyone was making fun of John, who, lets face it, did one of the most boneheaded moves ever on this thing. Did they expect everyone to commiserate and sympathize with the guy?
Joey seems okay when he's not got his Gay Cheerleader persona on, but when he does that cartoon character voice and says things like "RAISE THE ROOF!!", and dials his mania up to 30,  I just want to slap him. I understand that Meghan was pissed about being U-Turned, but then she did it to someone else, so I think she can let the "ball of righteousness" go. And those stupid headbands and wacky legwarmers piss me right off, too.

Two momentst that were outstanding for me last night: The Vietnamese ladies at the market watching the "Westerners" staggering around with chickens, and laughing at them all buying the same stuff. And Chuck hugging the Vietnamese guy and yelling "mucho gracias!"

And now I want a big bowl of pho.

Until next week!


Monday, March 11, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 4

This is late because I was away all day at a hair class out of town. I'm exhausted, and I was travelling ONE DAY, by CAR, in my own part of my own country. I can't imagine how tired those Racers must be.

I did not see that elimination coming, like, at all. That? Was a great big steaming pile of awesome. I really thought John and Jessica were going to be in this for the long haul, especially with that Express Pass in their back pockets. I think I can be forgiven for not seeing them getting eliminated with the Express Pass in their back pockets.
I noticed at the PitStop, John's babbling justification about how it was all okay was all about him....I don't need the money, I like the way I played, I wouldn't change a thing. Douchebag.

She did a good job of keeping her shit together on that mat, because I'd have melted down into a great big puddle of fury and possibly strangled him with my bare hands in front of the cameras.
He has "zero regrets"? To quote Phil, "REALLY?"

Phil was golden tonight...from his indignant "you cannot look at the surfboards" (I mean, the very idea! ) to his WTF look at John's "I don't need a million dollars", to that succinct "Oy vey" at the end. I was laughing so hard at all of that I had to rewind it a couple of times to enjoy it properly. (Also, he seemed kind of hurt when the Country Singers had no idea who was on that surfboard. Like, he took it personally.)

After Dave and Connor came in first, again, and on crutches, too, I don't think anyone with a shred of self-respect could ever quit this thing after them.

What does Mona mean "There's no crying in The Amazing Race!" ???? There's plenty of crying in the Amazing Race! That's one of the things I love about it! I really did sympathize with that one Country Singer when she said "can I just cry for a minute?" because I totally get what that's like.
Seriously, I've learned that it's my psyche's way of dealing with stress, and after a good cry, I'm pretty much all set to go again. I'd be bawling my way all over God's green earth if I was ever in this thing.

I think that random Indonesian guy is still scratching his head over the day the two loud Americans came into his yard, messed up all  his business, put a mint in his little grass basket, stole his sarong and then left as suddenly as they came.

Chuck's galloping all over that island, under rocks and into tunnels and through waves, was one of the highlights of this lef for me....that guy really puts his back into it, doesn't he? He had no idea where the hell he was going, but by God, he was going to get there or die trying.

I have to say, this season has some of the most noteworthy hair I've ever seen on this thing, and it's all from the men. Connor and Dave have some pretty lively hair, and John's spikey mop top was impressive, and I wish Anthony (or Bates, I have no idea who is who) has a horrible greasy, comb-over thing going on would get a haircut, because it's distracting, and Chuck, Chuck's hair is in a class all its own, not the least because it defies all natural laws.....did you see him on the Amazing Bathmat? His hair looked exactly the same as when he started this thing, like, it didn't even get wet or sweaty or anything.

Until next week!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Big Mistake.

On Saturdays, I don't really plan a dinner....usually everyone fends for themselves. Leftovers, scrambled eggs, something in the freezer, they all will do for "Suit Yourself Saturday".
Last night, as I was pulling out the frying  pan to make Sweet and Sour Tofu and Broccoli, Thing 2 was wondering what to have and whining about having to do it. (For the record, I offered to make her some Sweet and Sour Tofu, but she reacted like I'd offered her some Ebola virus for dinner.) I really didn't feel like making dinner myself, and half-jokingly said "why don't we go out to eat?" Thing 1 was working, the restaurant is just up the road, and Thing 2 has a rather alarming addiction to their Chicken Fingers and Fries, so once it was out of my mouth, I knew I'd have to follow up.
We put on some pants, (we were in our pajamas already. At 6 pm. Don't judge.) grabbed our purses and got in the car. We even got a parking spot right by the door. (This becomes relevant later.)

Thing 1 was delighted to see us. ("Oh, good", she said when she was us seated in her section, "I'm kind of busy and I can ignore you for a while.") She did eventually take our orders and serve us our food, all the while treating us with a minimum of courtesy, which was a pleasant break for her.

Thing 2 had her chicken fingers and fries, with a salad, and I opted for the Chicken Souvlaki with rice and Greek Salad. (I'm sure you will agree, a way better dinner than Sweet and Sour Tofu.)
Thing 1 offered Thing 2 some jello that had been "left out for a while, no one knows how long", and which was going to be thrown out so she could have it for free. The only thing Thing 2 likes better than chicken fingers and fries is free jello.

We enjoyed our dinner very much, and as we were leaving, we were talking and congratulating ourselves on having the good sense to abandon our previous plans and go out for dinner. The two of us walked towards our grey Chevy van, and hopped in.

As I went to put my purse in it's usual spot between the seats, I noticed that the junk-filled console that usually sits there was not there.....and when I looked behind me to see if it had somehow slid back towards the rear seat, it wasn't there either. And there was some paper I didn't recognize on the floor.....and a pink, sparkly article of clothing I'd never seen before......and how come the seats were down in the middle of the van?? As all this is running through my head, Thing 2 is still yaking away about our superior intelligence, when I blurt out "Wait a minute, is this our van?" Thing 2 looks at me like I've just started speaking Cantonese, and then looks around herself for a beat or two and then looks at me in horror and yells "NO!".

We sprung out of that van like it was on it's way to hell, and realized that OUR van was right beside this one, which was identical to ours. You never saw two women run so fast as the two of us, we jumped in that van like it was an Olympic event, and hightailed it out of that parking lot before anyone came out of the restaurant to accuse us of attempted theft and possible possession of illegal van.

After we stopped laughing long enough to form coherent sentances, Thing 2 said that she'd have figured it out sooner or later, "that other van smelled wrong".

Monday, March 4, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 3

By my reckoning, those people started out at the PitStart the morning of Day 1, and didn't get to start on the tasks until the morning of Day 3. That? Has got to take a round out of you. Waiting in airports for days, and then having to wait another night before you get to the thing, while you're jumping out of your skin with anticipation, would be unpleasant. At least it game Dad on Crutches a bit of time to rest.

In all 22 seasons of this thing, I have never seen one "alliance" that made the difference between anyone winning and not. (Or "flirting", either.) It's not Survivor....targeting another team for elimination seems to make everyone feel like they are super-savvy players, but not much else. The U-Turn is the only way I've ever seen someone "targeted", and that's not usually used strategically, but rather to satisfy someone's adolescent dream of nailing it to a team then don't like.

Man, I freaking LOVE New Zealanders! First, the Zorb and now the shemozzle! Those guys could out-crazy even the Japanese, I think. I really, really hope that if I ever get to New Zealand, I am invited to cover myself in molasses and feathers, and slide into a pool of manure while holding some eggs, accompanied by a dog named Tim.
By the way, what was the point of the dog during that? I wonder if this is going to come up in the final leg.

I just knew Katie would be a supportive, kindly and encouraging partner. To be fair, Max didn't seem to be tempted to punch her in the throat at all. Maybe "you suck at this" works better for him than it would for me. Of course, I do enjoy that they are drifting along at the back of the pack, all the while reminding us of how awesome they are.

Please tell me that when Team Mullet went to Niagara Falls, they actually crossed the border into Canada, and didn't figure that staring across the river was close enough to being "out of the country".

I laughed out loud when the Master Fisherman commented on Dave still wearing his helmet while fishing. "They don't usually jump up out of the river at you."

I have to hand it to Dave, he is fast on those crutches. I think they are probably out very soon, but he gets huge props from me for even finishing another leg of the race, let alone coming in first. The last time I was on crutches, I had blisters on my hands and very sore armpits, and needed enormous quantities of chocolate to get through the day.

Really, it's rather remarkable that it's taken 22 seasons for someone to get majorly hurt during this, if you think about it. Considering all the jumping off things and running on docks and mountains and riding bikes in costumes and bungee-jumping in a straight-jacket, and such, it's a wonder there hasn't been more racers injured badly enough to have to quit.

I like the Hockey Players, although I wish they would hustle a bit more....the one guy's imitation of that douchy guy with the bandana really sealed the deal for me.

And in other news, Pam and Winnie got lost. Again.

Until next week, when we find out what actually happened this week!


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 2

This entry is late because I didn't get to watch this episode of the Race until Monday night, which was too late to write about it. I usually have a better handle on my time, but not this week.

Man, how much would it suck if you finally got to go on the Amazing Race and you found yourself in one of the most beautiful places on earth and you realized that the one thing, the ONE THING you can't do, is the only thing  you have to do? I'll bet the Twins were hoping that they wouldn't have to swim until about the 8th leg, and after everyone else was felled by food poisoning and they had the option of paying someone else to do it, too.

I sure hope this doesn't turn out to be the "Amazing Skip the Task and Take the Penalty", because that is so not this game. If everyone quits every task and just sucks up the penalty, then it's going to be a snooze-fest very quickly.

Oh. My. the clue! Read the clue! Read the clue!!! Read it again. All the way. I get that these guys are all hopped up on adrenaline and jumping out of their skins and excited as all get out, but for the love of all that is holy, read the damn clue!

Team Newlywed is very tiresome, and it's only the second leg. "We want to keep the only other team at the back with us, so that we know where they are and we can hand them their asses when it suits us to do so. But they left us! They don't play fair at all!" And really? "they're following us"? They're going to the same place you are, dumbasses.

I certainly had no idea that being a manager at Wal-Mart translated into so many diverse skills. Seriously, I'm not taking the piss out of the guy, it's just that I had no idea "I deal with many weirdos = I can walk on stilts". I can't wait to see what else he can do. And just for the record, I've never seen a Wal-Mart employee run, anywhere, ever.

I giggled every time someone said they had "rolled their nut across the line". Because I am 12.

Because this was a very water-focused episode, I found myself getting a little woozy with all the bobbing cameras popping in and out of the water. Between that and the skydiving last episode, I'd really like a leg on dry land, please.

Team YouTube was not nearly as annoying as I thought they would be. Which isn't much of an endorsement, really.

The water in Bora Bora looked so amazingly blue and clear.....and the camera work when they were jetskiing over to the second island was incredible. I'm putting Bora Bora on the list.

John and Jessica holding onto the second Express Pass because they "want the other teams to suck up a bit"? I'm sure that will totally work out, and no one will be pissed off, and it will never come to back to bite them in the asses. Like at a U-Turn. At least, I hope so.

I wonder what the Underwater Waiter puts on his passport application, under "occupation".

Next week: New Zealand! Remember the last time we went there, Phil's dad was one of the greeters! Also, I very much hope there is a Hobbit-themed task, which includes very large, hairy feet.

Until next week!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Amazing Race 22, Episode 1

Hello Race! Happy to see your sexy self again!

Does anyone else think it's okay to cull the herd a bit before getting really into knowing the teams? I always feel on the first episode as if I'm constantly trying to keep everyone straight, and can't pay much attention to exactly what's going on. Luckily, I think the producers have the same trouble, because with so many people, they can only really do two tasks the whole episode.

Is there really any reason at all to lie about what you do for a living on this show? Unless you are a "Reality Show Producer Who Thinks Up Tasks For Other People To Do", I'm not so sure any occupation gives you an advantage over any other. And as for the whole "we don't want people to think we dont' deserve the money" thing, it's not "Survivor", no one decides who gets the money. Besides, if it was a "deserving" thing, then they should only let homeless people participate on this.

As much as I loved the sky-diving thing, because WOW that place is beautiful! tasks like that don't really do much to shuffle the order. Unless, of course, you get someone who freaks out and won't go, which isn't likely on the first leg of the race. (Can you imagine? "I'm not doing that!" right out of the gate? Your partner would kill you, and there wouldn't be a jury who would convict.)

Why on earth do they cast so many young couples where she's all drooling to get married and he's all "things are fine the way they are" and they go on the race to see if their relationship will work? Because this dynamic is as unpleasant as it is unoriginal, and it would make me terribly sad to think that this is the overwhelming majority of twenty-somethings these days.

I spend more than my fair share of time on the "interwebs", as my mother calls it, and I've never heard of the so-called "YouTube phenomenoms". Which, considering his mugging and screeching and grandstanding for the cameras, might be good if it stayed that way. I mean, they've dubbed themselves "Team Cute" for crying out loud....that sort of douchebaggery shouldn't even be allowed by a just society.

I felt sort of bad for the firefighters until they made their "we're never going to live down the fact that we were beaten by two blonde girls" remark. Because being beaten by two brunettes would be totally okay.

I get that to have your child diagnosed with cancer must be all kinds of awful, and to see them suffer through the treatments would be horrible as well. But man, if that dad cries every time he talks about his son, it's going to be a very long season.

So far, I have no favorite team, but Team Newlywed is decidedly my least favorite team. She actually seems proud of the fact that she has few friends back home, (her bridesmaids from three weeks ago must have been delighted to hear that!) and he's enchanted by her ability to fake being nice to lesser mortals. I'm so glad they found each other.

Why did no one enlist the dog's help in digging up the sandcastles? I'll bet he'd have smoked that task. When he wasn't peeing on the sandcastles, of course.

Favorite Line of the Night: From one Hockey brother to another: "Do you have my teeth?"

Until next week!