How To Piss Off Mrs. Loudshoes At the Grocery Store.

• Don't bother parking your car in a parking spot which is all the way over in the parking lot. Pull right up to the front door and put on your four-way flashers and run in "for a few things". No one else is as busy as you, and they can just wait while your car blocks traffic.
• Wander aimlessly through the store, making sure you are everywhere I want to be. Don't pay any attention to anyone else in the store. Because you are the only one there!
• Be sure to wait until the lady at the deli comes to you before you even begin to think about what you want. Lots of "ummmming" and "I don't knows" go a long way to making Mrs. Loudshoes' head explode. Be sure to ask for thirteen different kinds of deli meat, all shaved, and make sure they have to show you how much 100 grams is every. single. time.
• Take this opportunity to have a long heart-to-heart talk with your neighbour. In the dairy aisle.
• Advise me, without provocation, on my purchases. "Don't buy that tuna, it's not as good as this tuna". Look at me like I'm crazy when I say "I don't care; it's for the cat."
• Abandon your cart cross-ways in the aisle. Go away to a whole other aisle for a half an hour or so. Be mad when someone has had the audacity to move your cart.
• Pretend you can't get around me and sigh loudly.
• Have a loud and heated arguement with your roommate about the moral, philosophical and far-reaching implications of buying low-sodium soy sauce vs. the fully leaded soy-sauce.
• Let your six-year old drive the cart. Because he is fabulous at that. Never mind that he can't see where he's going, he has the co-ordination of a drunken monkey and he's alarmingly aggressive, he's just so darling!
• Don't bother putting your cart away. Just leave it in the parking spot, where it can roll away into someone else's car.

If you do all of this, don't be surprised when I just happen to sneak in expensive, stinky cheese into your cart. Or maybe condoms. Or Depends. I have to have my fun somehow.