Friday, November 5, 2010

Rules of the House

We are nothing, here at the Loudshoes house, if not opinionated. In fact, our family motto should be "I think, therefore I'm right". No where are the opinions more violently defended than when it comes to food. Everyone has their rules, and we think the others are godlessly wrong.

1. I think that ketchup belongs on French fries and burgers, nothing else. It is such a sweet, all-dominating flavour that I can't taste anything else when there is even the teeniest bit of ketchup on it. The Mister puts ketchup on eggs, macaroni and cheese, french toast and grilled cheese, and eternally tries to get me to do the same, because, in his words, I am "missing out". On something gross, apparently.

2. Eggs must be served with a starch, preferably a toasted one. Scrambled eggs sitting lonely and neglected by themselves are sad enough, but they get cold faster, too. A poached egg with hot buttered toast, or scrambled eggs with fried potatoes is the way God intended them to be served.

3. The more colours, the better. I find it almost impossible to eat a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch if I'm going to have an orange right after it. And don't tell me it would be all better if I had ketchup with the sandwich, because we are not having that discussion. Now, if there were pickles with the sandwich, I might be able to manage it. Grapes instead would make it all good.

4. All 4 food groups with a meal, except with breakfast. I don't know why breakfast gets a pass, but there it is. But lunch and dinner should have fruit and/or veggies, a protein, some sort of dairy and a starch. Sometimes you can combine things, like yogurt covers two categories, but lets not fool ourselves and think that strawberry yogurt will do 3.

5. No margarine. Ever. I can taste that stuff before it's even in my mouth. And it's nasty. Also, no liver, blue cheese or candied fruit in my kitchen.

6. The Mister demands gravy with mashed potatoes, or at least some sort of saucy thing to stand in for gravy. If gravy is absent, then corn must be served. If you have neither, then you have no business serving mashed potatoes.

7. For Thing 1 and Thing 2, food must not touch each other on the plate. In fact, dinner is much easier if I just give them each three little plates, rather than one big one.

8. Things must be at the right temperature, cold things cold, hot things hot. The idea of cold pizza or warm milk makes me gag.

9. Milk and water are the only acceptable beverages with meals, for kids. (The grown ups are allowed wine, but we rarely do at home.) Too many eating out expericences where they drank a vat of pop before their meals came, and they were too full to eat. And wired beyond belief, too.

10. Brown sugar is the only acceptable sugar for oatmeal. (Thing 2 shovels it on in truly dire proportions. )


Jude said...

Food rules are a must!

I agree with you on the ketchup part although I did slide to the other side when I started adding ketchup to my breakfast potatoes, not on the eggs though, no way. And ketchup belongs in a pile by itself, to be dunked into not scattered over anything that remains uncovered. French fries=pile, hamburger=ok to spread over because the bun will cover it.

In my house if gravy is served I also have to add bread onto the table. My Dad must have his couple slices of bread topped with gravy. He considers that desert.

The list is almost endless.

Mrs. Loudshoes said...

Good woman, Jude!! Ketchup in a pile is NOT never drizzles it over everything on the plate....that way madness lies!
My dad thinks new potatoes with butter is dessert.

Big Liver Girl said...

I think peanut butter (and all its relatives... even those shitty little reese's pieces) are a dessert, a treat, a food group, a drug, an addiction, a crutch and the very stuff which holds my life together. I used to get ketchup in my stocking at christmas because I loved it so... now I rarely touch the stuff.

Carolyn said...

Dear Big Liver Girl,
Loved the ketchup in the stocking. My youngest brother once got a Christmas gift of two cans of Chef Boy-ar-dee ravioli from the neighbour (he was their paperboy). He was so excited that he immediately ran to the kitchen to open and heat up one of the cans of that crap for breakfast while the rest of us gagged.

Erin said...

I am whole-heartedly agreeing with number five. There is no need in any recipe for things like margarine, blue cheese, liver or candied fruit.


Have to agree with the mister on the potatoes. Why mash potatoes if you don't have gravy to slop all over them? No gravy = roasted potatoes.