Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Bathing Suit Blues.

There's not a woman alive who does not understand the soul-shredding aspects of bathing suit shopping, but let me tell you, I took it to a whole. new. level. today: I went bathing suit shopping at Wal-Mart. It's a wonder I got out of there alive.

Both Thing 1 and Thing 2 wanted to get new bathing suits, and it was their idea to try Wal-Mart first. As they browsed around and picked up stuff to try on, like a FOOL I took a look at the "grandma" bathing suit section and found a few items that might be acceptable for me. (There are two parts to the bathing suit department at any store, the "young" section and the "grandma" section. The "young section" is strictly for looks, not practicality. The bathing suits there are made of 14 square centimeters of fabric and the wearer needs to stand up at all times, preferably perfectly still. The "grandma" section has bathing suits made of huge swathes of black fabric, and can double as barbeque covers. The wearer can rope steers, pole vault and wrestle alligators without revealing one extra inch of doughy white flesh to the world. )

I tried on the suits, which is a task only for the stout of heart and strong of character at the best of times, and not to be undertaken after a rather large dinner of a crispy chicken Caesar salad wrap, fries and two diet Cokes. (The garlic in the Caesar salad wrap made me thirsty!) Or in a Wal-mart.

I will spare you the gruesome details, but holy schnickies, the lighting in those fitting rooms would make you swear off ever leaving the house again, if only as a public service. How did I not notice that I have varicose veins and barnacles?

I put all of my "grandma" selections back on the rack, and decided to try again another day, at another store. Preferably one that sells three-piece bathing suits, and lights their fitting rooms with candles.

8 comments:

Jude said...

Now if I went into the fitting room with candles to try on a bathing suit, I would definitely start a fire.

A pen light would be my preference.

:)

Erin said...

I'm dying laughing at your post. barnacles?? that cracks me up. Bathing suit shopping is the stupidest shopping event ever. It is worse than my dress shopping experience by far. It kills me everytime I do it. I've started to order bathing suits online and try them on in the privacy of my own bedroom with the door locked. I don't want a skinny size 2 sales-girl knocking on my dressing room door asking me "how are they fitting??" Makes me wanna punch someone.

Big Liver Girl said...

oh yes... I got onto mail order a looonnnngggg time ago. And I don't care if I have to send it back... its better than crying in a cubicle.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Bathing suit shopping is horrific enough without adding Walmart to the mix. I know what you mean when they don't have any in-between suits. It's all or nothing!

Have a stiff drink, try to relax and order from a catalog with a good return policy.

Camlin said...

L@nd's End. Seriously. best bathing suit I ever bought and I got it online. It has an underwire bra and all-over body shaping so I look far more spectacular than I really am. Until you get to my cellulite legs...

Mrs. Loudshoes said...

Okay, you've all convinced me....mail order is the way to go. But how do you know what size to get? Apparently, I have the weirdest shaped body in all the land, and don't fit into a 12, but a 14 is WAY too big.

Big Liver Girl said...

me again... just get your tape measure out (alone in your room with teh door locked) and the catalogue with teh big chart in it that measures every little which way you can go on your body... and weird ways you've never heard of. Now assemble the data and call the customer support line at Land's End (or LLBean) and talk to the nice ladies. They are so sweet you'll feel like you could even handle the walmart change rooms if the nice ladies would just come with you. Then pay whatever they ask. If you do it fast... you could probably find a NJ friend to ship to who could hand it off to a London friend when they do camp drop offs right after the last day of school...

but I'm never getting another suit unless I can rope steer in it.

B said...

So what are you going to do until then, skinny dip? LOL I feel for ya. Went out in public yesterday for the first time in a bathing suit in over a year. Luckily, there was only one other person at the pool, and she didn't look too great, either, so I fit right in!