Things Other Women Do That I Don't Understand

Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Mister; he's surrounded by estrogen. He lives with females, his staff is all female and the majority of his clientele is female. Maybe that's why he wanted to get Toby: one sure-fire dose of testosterone to his day. You'd think the Mister would be a freaking expert on women by now, but sadly, he is quite the opposite. He's learned to never, ever leave the toilet seat up, and he would never ask a woman if she was pregnant unless he was actually seeing a baby come out of her, but other than that, he's as bewildered about our behaviour as he ever was. And not that I blame him, I'm a woman and I find our species to be more than a bit puzzling myself...

• Being afraid of insects. Things flying around my head are annoying, but don't make me shriek and yell and dance around like a lunatic. I'm not sure why they would; they are much smaller than me, and unless a mosquito is carrying Dengue fever or malaria (an unlikely scenario in Southwestern Ontario), unlikely to inflict any serious harm. Why woman react the same way to a caterpillar as an axe-murderer is beyond me.
• Shopping for recreation. I shop to get things. Things I need. I don't shop if I don't need anything. Acquiring more things is not fun for me, let alone relaxing. If I want to relax, I will read a book, not get more shoes I can't afford.
• Men as meal tickets. I like the men in my life, and would hang out with any one of them simply for the pleasure of their company. If they buy me dinner, that's fine; sometimes I would buy them dinner, too. But spending time with someone you don't particularly like or respect because they buy you things doesn't seem like very much fun to me. It seems like prostitution.
• Feigned helplessness Okay, this is the one that puzzles me the most. Why would you pretend to not know how to do something useful, like fill the car with gas or cook a hamburger or change a printer cartridge? Or worse, why wouldn't you ever learn to do any of those things? Why would you want to wait around for someone to come home to do those things for you? What possible payoff is there? I suppose sure, you get someone else to do them, but....you'd have to get someone else to do that for you. Beats me.
• Expensive Handbags The way I see it, a $25 handbag performs exactly the same function as a $2500 handbag. It carries my stuff. It does not do it a thousand times better. What's the point?
• Ask your boyfriend or husband his opinon on your clothes, hair or general appearance. This happens all the time in the salon; a woman is just finishing getting her hair done, her boyfriend/husband comes in to collect her, she asks what he thinks, he says "looks okay, I guess", and she either A) gets pissed off because he didn't respond with the appropriate enthusiasm, or B) panics because she thinks he doesn't like it. News flash: he doesn't notice that it looks any different whatsoever. If you had shaved half of it off and lit the other half on fire, he's say "looks okay, I guess". That's because he doesn't care. If you are happy he's happy, but honestly, he really doesn't care. Don't bother asking any more, you will NEVER like the answer.