Lessons I've Learned From Television

1. Middle names are always dorky and embarrassing, especially if you are a big, tough man.

2. If you have a baby or a dog, you will have eventually have some impelling reason to hide it's existence. You will almost get away with it, but at the last second the baby or the dog will make a noise and you will be found out.

3. Pregnant women should avoid taxi cabs and elevators, because their baby will be born there after an incredibly fast and painful labour. Also, women in labour are vicious, snarling beasts.

4. Owning a bathrobe means you will get sick, because that is the only time you are allowed to wear one.

5. Avoid calling in sick or otherwise lying to attend a sporting event. This will ensure that you are shown on the Jumbotron.

6. Avoid taking bubble baths. People will walk right into your bathroom and begin a conversation with you. This will not happen if you are having a shower or a plain old bath.

7. Stay away from old women. They are either evil or will delay you from some incredibly important event by feeding you and giving you tea.

8. Never take art classes. Your first class will require you to paint a nude, and you will know them and it will be horribly embarassing.

9. Be prepared to take all sorts of fashion advice from gay men, because they are experts. Also, they are all funny, bitchy and sassy, and talk about being gay all the time.

10. Do not sneak a brownie if it has not been offered to you. It has pot in it.

11. There are no blonds in France. Nazis spoke with English accents. Japanese people all wear glasses. Black people are here to teach us a Very Special Lesson about tolerance or what it's like to be poor.

12. Do not let your child own stuffed animals. You will eventually find yourself sitting on a bed clutching said animal and crying because your child is missing. Don't worry, though, they will be found within the hour.

13. Do not wear a formal dress outside in the dark. You will be slaughtered. Also, if you are overweight, do NOT get a job as a security guard. You will be shot.

14. All cats are evil and malicious. Unless they are busy sussing out the supernatural beings in the immediate area, and then they are hissing.

15. Do not go jogging in the early morning, unless you want to discover a dead body.