Statements That Are Always Lies

There are some statements that we are so used to hearing that we don’t hear them anymore. When I hear the following, I turn it around in my head to hear what the person is really saying:

Don't worry, I'm not really crazy." This is usually said by someone who’s actions and demeanour are so the opposite as to render this sentence moot.

"I'm not trying to be difficult." Then maybe you should stop being difficult.

"I'm not a racist." This is usually said after a statement so outrageously racist that the person feels required to backpedal.

"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings." Just because your intention was not to hurt me, you have done so anyway, and I’m pretty sure you knew that. "No offense, but..." falls into the same category.

"I swear I'm telling the truth." Shouldn’t that be obvious by your behaviour?

"I don't like to complain." But you are going to anyway, right?

“I am stepping down to spend more time with my family.” I love this one. Like, any man in a position of power wouldn’t just do whatever he damn well pleased anyway. “Screw this meeting, I’m going to the beach with my kids!” Usually said by a politician who’s stepping down immediately before some embarrassingly lurid information is made public. (Which, ironically, probably wouldn’t have happened if he had been spending some time with his family.)

“We're not lost!” Then why have we been in this car for three days and all the signs are in Russian?

"The dog ate my homework" They maybe you shouldn’t slather your homework in gravy.

“I run a classy establishment" If you have to say it, you don’t. “Classy” is a funny word; once it’s used it negates itself entirely.

“It's not about the money." Oh, man, its ALL about the money.

“ Your call is important to us". The other day I spent 35 minutes on the phone waiting to talk to an actual human being at Rogers Wireless, and they must have told me this about 50 times. I wanted to set them on fire after that. Really, “your call is important to us” means “you are stuck here because we are entirely uninterested in you and couldn’t possibly care less about providing any service whatsovever to you. We understand that you have no alternative but to put your life on hold and swing slowly in the wind while we get our butts in gear and get around to dealing with you. But “your call is important to us” As if.”