Conversations with the Cat

This is how my day goes:

7 a.m.: "Please get off my bladder." "I know you want me to get up, but I have a half a freaking hour yet and I'm not getting up until then." "Yuck, cat slobber in my ear is disgusting!"

7:30 a.m.; "Ow, that really hurts when you do that; that's my bum! Do that again, and you're coming into the shower with me."

8:00 a.m. "I will get your tuna but you have to get out of the way first. You're not helping, you know, can openers only work when the person operating it can use both hands."

9:00 a.m. "So, you want out? Okay, then stop whining and actually get over by the door."

9:10 a.m. "You want in? See if I care."

9:15 a.m. "No, I am not letting you out again."

9:30 a.m. "You're a kitty!"

10:00 a.m. "You know, your body is not transparent, you can't just walk in front of the computer screen and not have me screech at you." "You suck at typing, did you know that?"

11:00 a.m. "No, you are not going out; you'll just want back in."

11:05 a.m. "If I let you out will you leave me alone for 5 minutes?" "You said you'd leave me alone."

11:45 a.m. "I understand it is cold out and you just came in, but for God's sake can you not epoxy yourself to me right now?"

12:30 p.m. "I'm sure my lap is the ideal place for a nap, but I am standing up right now and this is less than pleasant".

1:00 p.m. "Changing the bed linen is a rip-roaring good time, I know, but I'm literally trying to change the sheets here, not entertain you."

2:00 p.m. "There is plenty of room for both of us on this couch, do not look at me like that."

3:00 p.m. "I feel your pain, but you do not get a treat for just showing up."

4:00 p.m. "Please get out of the salad bowl; I did not put it there for you."

5:00 p.m. "Down off the counter, please." "Get down off the counter." "Dammit, off the freaking counter!" "It's kitty jail for you!"

6:00 p.m. "Yes, that other cat across the street is very scary and threatening and I have no doubt you could whip his ass."

7:00 p.m. "Could you sit anywhere else but right on my crochet?"

7:05 p.m. "I realize that, technically, sitting on my arm is "somewhere else", but it is less than ideal, so could you go sit with one of the other people in the room who are not using their arms at the moment?"

8:00 p.m. "Out? Again?"

9:00 p.m. "Sorry, Toby, did we forget about you again? I know, it's cold out, and you are very hard done by. Mea culpa."

10:00 p.m. "Why, yes, I did know about that spider, but I have chosen to leave him the hell alone, mmmkay?"

11:00 p.m. "Because it's my bed."