Things I Say To The Cat.

Toby and I spend a lot of time together, namely because I'm the one that's home the most and he's the one looking for company. Every couple of hours or so, Toby discovers yet again and with enormous relief, that he has not been abandoned and left to fend for himself, and that the people still exist to give him his food. More often than not, that discovery happens on my watch. I am usually greeted with wild enthusiasm and affection, even though this is a repetition of the same scenario which happened only hours before. "Lather, rinse, repeat" is Toby's motto.

I'm not entirely without fault here; I usually greet him with the same gusto, thereby encouraging his behaviour. He can do this with the rest of the family, especially when he's just come in from outside, or someone gets up first thing in the morning, but I seem to be the beneficiary of most of it, probably because I'm the only one who actually carries on conversations with him. Such as this....

• I remind him of his species on a regular basis. As per this cartoon, I am compelled to tell him he's a cat, like, a hundred times a day. He never gets tired of it.
• I commiserate with him on how hard his life must be....."oh, it's so hard to be a cat, you can't open doors or answer the phone or read, you have no opposable thumbs and there's no support group for you! Oh, it's hard to be a cat!" I think he appreciates my sympathy and concern.
• I tell assure him that he is pretty and his recent weight gain will not affect how we feel about him and that many prominent cat supermodels were full-figured.
• Thing 1 and I include him in our conversations regularly, asking him his opinion and translating his every nuance for meaning. "Toby, do you think we should go to the mall or Wal-Mart?", and after Toby looks around a bit and maybe licks himself, "Toby thinks we should go to the mall, and maybe get some fries."
• I ask him every day if he would like his tuna now. I have to be very careful about the timing, because "now" to a cat wanting tuna means "right this very nano-second or by God, I will shred the flesh right off your bones if you are shitting me". So when the time is right, I shout "tuna for you-na!" and he gets all riled up and knows the tuna is definetely on it's way.

I make up songs and sing to him all the time. This amuses me no end, but I'm not sure he fully appreciates my efforts, since I can't sing to save my life. And also, these are a ridiculous waste of my time and creativity, as I'm sure you will agree, and Toby is fully aware of that.

• "Sexy Cat", sung to the tune of "Sexy Back" ("You're such a sexy cat! You got a furball and it makes you hack! You're kind of skinny and you're kind of fat! But altogether you're a sexy cat!")
• "Toby The Truck Driving Cat" A song of my own creation, it goes "He's Toby the Truck Driving Cat (Toot! Toot!), He never wears sweaters or hats (Toot! Toot!)". You get the idea.
• To the tune of "Good King Wenceslaus": Toby is an squawky cat, long and orange and round/ When he doesn't get his way he makes a funny sound!/ Early in the mor-horn-ing/ when no one is arou-hound/Toby makes a noisy fuss/ As though he being drow-ow-owned."
• "Sir Meows-A-Lot". The tune is best left to one's imagination, but the words are particularly appalling with rhymes such as "he likes to catch a mouse a lot" and "he goes in an out of the house a lot". I'm not proud of that one, but it did make Thing 2 laugh so hard she nearly wet herself, so it has that going for it.
• "Toby the cat, the wonderful, marvelous cat! His eyes are big, his tail is long, his head is kind of fat, 'cause he's Toby! The wonderful cat!"

And such is our day. He's one lucky cat, no?