Christmas Gifts From Kelly

Kelly has the dubious distinction of being by oldest friend. Not that she is ancient or a senior citzen or anything; "oldest" in the sense of being in my life the longest of anyone other than my family. Kelly and I met in kindergarten, in Sister Doris's class. (Sister Doris went on to some noteriety after having taught us. She left the convent and wrote a racy autobiography. I'm sure we had nothing to do with either decision.) I moved away in Grade 6 and we met up again in Mr. Wilson's Grade 9 geography homeroom, and have been unable to leave each other alone ever since.

Somewhere along the line, we started to give each other ridiculous presents for Christmas, and Kelly and I have maintained an enthusiasm for this tradition all these years. (Kelly does have an unfair advantage, because she goes to Tennesee once a year, and the shopping there is like nowhere else.)

Among other things that Kelly has given me are:

-A vial of dirt from Graceland

-An inflatable Mona Lisa

-A bust of Henry XIII that sings "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am!"

-A little statue of a lady made out of a lobster shell. Someone had taken apart a lobster, and then put it back together as a Southern Belle. Why, we will never know.

-A coffee mug with pictures of all the U.S. presidents on it that plays "The Star Spangled Banner" when you expose the bottom of the mug to light. In other words, every time you pick it up.

-Bob Hope's head made out of popcorn. (At one point, Kelly and her sister decided that I was a closet Bob Hope fan, and from then on I got all sorts of presents consistent with my alleged ardor. Once they even made a huge Bob Hope head out of paper-mache and then made a friend of theirs wear it around their place and then took pictures of it and made a scrapbook entitled "Bob Hope Visits the Farm". I cannot begin to tell you how spectacularly wonderful that book was. I still have it, somewhere.)

-A Mister T. soap-on-a-rope. ("I pity the dirt!")

This year we were not able to exchange gifts until recently, because the weather had thwarted us continually since Christmas. But this past weekend, it was Christmas all over again! This year, I got:

-A poster of all the First Ladies, starting with Herbert Hoover's wife, Lou, and ending with Barbara Bush. Presumably, they'd update it if given the chance.

This beautiful sewing pattern for a men's leisure suit, straight out of 1973. I could make it for the Mister!

-A book about the history of "Air Force One", the plane, not the movie.

-A book made up entirely of front pages from various newspapers around the world from the day the Pope died,

This charming box of Christmas card, inexplicably featuring

drunken monks. (How festive!)

This book, entitled "72 Sure-Fired Ways of Having Fun" and then the subtitle is "The Life of the Party". It is filled with suggestions for groan-worthy party games which were clearly intended to make your guest go home as soon as possible. The activities are likely designed for a pre-technological age, because I cannot imagine anyone else putting up with these unless there was absolutely no television to turn on. You can see from the woman on the cover's near hysteria that these games are not for the faint of heart.

Just for the record, I gave her a can of "Ninth Symphony Bean Mix" ("Eat and music will follow!" the can suggested, jauntily.) and a mouse pad with a picture of her sister wearing a cactus hat we had made her for her birthday last summer. Also, some picture books about some shows that were bad in the '80s and no better now, and folk music. Her sister got some excellent slippers that were obviously made for an elf, complete with curled up toes and bells, and a CD of "truck-drivin' hits!" that we had to play in the car on our way to dinner.

Merry Christmas.