Thursday, November 15, 2007

Make It Stop.

I was walked to and from the mall today, and noticed that the decorations are up and the Christmas music was on. While I walked home, I had ample opportunity to think about which Christmas song I hate the most. It was a very pleasant diversion, I must say, eating up the miles while getting my heartrate up into an almost cardio workout. So here it is, my Top Five Most Hated Christmas Songs...

#5 And So This Is Christmas by John Lennon. John and Yoko and their dirty hair, self-righteously drone that war is only continuing to exist because I, the listener, don't want it to end badly enough. "And what have you done?" I'll tell you pal, I've done 5 loads of laundry, made yet another batch of Christmas cookies this morning, made up the present list and figured out how we're going to pay for all this. What have YOU done???

#4 Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Okay, so it's not bad enough that this song aggressively threatens children with a most heinous emotional blackmail, but then we have to listen to SAAAAAAANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!! like a million times.

#3 Wonderful Christmas by Paul McCartney The herpes of Christmas songs. Stays with you forever. It gives me brain damage just to listen to it.

#2 Do You Hear What I Hear Unfortunately, yes, yes, I do. A dirge-like melody, a nonsensical lyric and an unpleasant affinity with the likes of Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey and Celine Dion. I like to sing it with a panicky inflection at the "do you hear what I hear?" part.

#1 The Little Drummer Boy The depth and breadth of my loathing for this song is admittedly out of all proportion, but dear God I hate this one. If I was Mary, I tell you, there would be blood on the floor. She's all exhausted from the donkey ride and the labour and whatnot, she's probably going to have one hell of an infection from giving birth in a freaking stable, and this kid shows up and gives her and her newborn a few riffs from the rhythm section? Oh, the humanity.

And don't get me started on "Jingle Bell Rock".

2 comments:

Speranza Speaks said...

Excellent, excellent.
Are there no workhouses?

But I must point out one omission that makes the bile rise in my own throat ...

Yes, it's Burl Ives again with Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas.

Is he on crack, just wondering?

a_trotskyite said...

ewwwwww...

John Lennon is the best cautionary tale ever about the dangers of drugs. Worse than Elvis, who at least had the decency to be ashamed of his drug habits. But not Saint John. "What have you done?" Given him an excuse to be a junkie, that's what you've done. Not you specifically, but everyone who ever heard of him.

The real John Lennon died sometime in 1968. It was a zombie Lennon that released this song.

Not that I want to be critical or anything.