Shopping = Hell

Once a year we attend a big hairdressing event in Montreal, and once a year, I have to find something to wear to it. To be honest, I don't try very hard; I wouldn't stand out in this crowd if I dressed up in a clown costume and shot fireworks out of my bum. Hairdressers en masse are hardly a reticent bunch, and a thousand drunken hairdressers? Let's just say the competition for attention is intense. But I still would like to look presentable, if not actually nice, and herein lies my problem.

It is always somewhat difficult to find clothes in which to encase my body, since I am apparently so oddly shaped that the clothing manufacturing industry has never encountered my ilk before. Everyone else in the history of mankind who has size 11 hips has obliged them by also possessing a size 11 neck, arms, and shoulders. Also, those who are above a size 4 would appear to be 8 feet tall. If I can find a t-shirt that does not strain against my post-child-bearing belly, I have enough room around my shoulders and arms that I could smuggle watermelons undetected.

I'm also distressed that my retail role models appear to be Barbara Bush or Paris Hilton. Hmmm, who would I most like to dress like? A matronly grandma who's got all the sex appeal of a flannel nightgown, or a trashy, hootchee-mama who once and for all proves that money does not buy taste? It would seem that I can either buy clothes that make me look like I've just finished a game of bingo at the retirement home, or I can buy clothes that advertise the skills of my waxer. I want neither.

Couple all this with a bewildering penchant for satin this season, and you've got yourself a perfect storm of retail horror. Do manufacturers sit at the staff meeting planning their new lines saying things like "Now that low rise jeans and short little t-shirts have had their day, how can we now show off lumpy midriffs in a whole new way? I know! SATIN!!"? (I just noticed that 'satin' is one letter off from 'satan'. Not a coincidence, I'm sure.)

So, I didn't manage to find anything today, but I will find something suitable sooner or later. Perhaps my next stop would be the store where they sell clown costumes and fireworks.