Thoughts on the Grocery Store

As chores go, grocery shopping is the least odious; I rather like doing it, in fact. I hate cleaning the shower (hot water running down my arms into the rubber gloves. Nice.). I hate mopping the kitchen floor (it has to be done all the time. I'm beginning to think that it spontaneously generates sticky yuck, thereby making us dirty, rather than the other way around.) And cleaning closets makes me imagine new ways to desert my family and never look back. But grocery shopping, particularly on my own, is a happy diversion.

I can't help but keep a running monologue in my head, though, because there are some fearsome items on the shelves that invite all sorts of notions. For example, for what would one need "extra-strength toilet paper"? Who would admit to needing extra-strength toilet paper? What kind of mess are you cleaning up here? Perhaps some sandpaper and bleach would be a more appropriate means of setting yourself to rights. Oh, and also, you might want to consider a change in diet. Like, maybe, cutting back on the bran would be a good idea.

Does anyone buy okra? Anyone? Because it's disgusting, and not cheap, I might add.

There is a fascinating yet horrifying section at my A&P, which captivates me for far longer than is healthy, I'm sure. It's what the kids and I call the "Real Oriental" section, as opposed to the "Fake Oriental" section. While the "Fake" section has stir-fry sauces and sesame oil and soy sauce, all familiar-yet-exotic ingredients designed to make you think you are a wildly adventurous cook, the "Real" section had "abalone flavored gluten" and "artemia cysts" and packages with hardly any English on them at all. The even have Chinese baby food in jars. (They have no English on them either, so I am assuming it is Chinese baby food, and does not actually contain babies.) I spend ages in horrified wonder in this department wondering what it all is. I once, I swear, saw a tin of "sweet gelatinous mutant coconut", and I am so mad that I didn't buy it just to keep on display.

Then there is the "Good God, Who's Idea Was That?" section, full of "white asparagus with shrimp paste" in cans and "cocktail franks stuffed with olives". It's like a car accident: gruesome and fascinating, all at the same time.

I bought some pork tenderloin for dinner tonight, and boy, has the price of that shot up. I used to get one for about 5 or 6 bucks, and this one was over 10. Is there a shortage of pigs hereabouts that I'm unaware of? Because last time I checked, we were lousy with them.

There are more different kinds of cat treats than there are kinds of milk.

I bought some new cereal, Special K with Chocolate Bits. Yay! I've been trying to legitimately have chocolate for breakfast for I don't know how long. Thank you, Kellogs, for making me not so derelict.

Maybe I can go grocery shopping again before the week is up.