Lessons My Children Have Taught Me

It's not exactly news that having children in your life will change it utterly; any greeting card at Hallmark will make that fact abundantly clear. And it is also well-established that the parent learns as well as teaches, and that raising a child can be a fundamentally enriching experience. The Chinese have a saying, that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I had no idea I needed to learn these things, but the universe deems otherwise. Such has been my harsh education.

1. You are not above bribery. You may have thought you would negotiate and discuss and listen in a calm, concillatory fashion when your three-year-old wants to wear her bathing suit out in January, but actually, you will get her to dress in a weather-appropriate fashion with the aid of gummy bears and Oreos.

2. You thought you would never say "I told you so", but you do and with a disturbing amount of satisfaction, too.

3. The first time you channel your mother will not be the last. Now all that "do you think I'm made of money?" and "are you going out wearing that?" makes perfect sense.

4. Projectile vomiting has aerodynamic properties you have never even dreamed of. And it is you who will clean it up.

5. No one is going to thank you. Not for the braces, not for the piano lessons, and especially not for the example you set.

6. No matter what your education, you will be outwitted by a toddler. Save the $14.95 + S&H, there's no parenting book in the world that's going to save you from the humiliation of having that person who behaves like a drunken midget get the better of you.

7. It is entirely possible to love someone with all your heart and plot their violent death at the same time. This precious little angel that you have brought into the world is now bugging the shit out of you, and you have begun to weigh your chances in a court of law. ("If I can just get a jury full of parents, they'd never convict me.")

8. Apples are a vegetable. It's just easier to arbitrarily assign certain foods to a much higher nutritious status, than to constantly negotiate over dinner. And by the way? This capricious logic works for salsa, the tomato sauce on pizza, pickles and corn dogs.

9. You are a parent. Nothing else.You may have thought your function on this earth was to bring happiness to others, contribute to society and take your place in life's rich pagent. You are wrong. You may have hopes and dreams and ambitions. Too bad. Your function here on earth is to drive, pay and run interference. That is all.

10. Ten children at a sleepover is about eight too many. Maybe nine. In fact, sleepovers are a terrible idea. Unless, of course, your child is going over to sleep at someone else's house.

No doubt I'm in for some more education; my children are entering their teen years, after all. I hope I get an "A".