Don't Count On Me.

While The Mister and Thing 2 and I were watching television last night, and on came a commercial for "Are You Smarter Than A Canadian Fifth Grader". I figured I'd wipe the floor with anybody silly enough to try and best me, and I should apply. My family nearly herniated themselves laughing, and remarked that all it would take to knock me out of contention would be one third-grade math question. And sadly, they would be right.

My inability to do even the simplest of math questions, mentally or on paper, is legendary. I used to work at a record store many moons ago, (which you could probably deduce from the fact that it was a "record" store.) and my boss and the other (male) employee would have me balance the till purely for their own amusement....."How far off is she this time?" "Only $13, 000.00 today!" and then they would fall all over themselves laughing. I've been known to stumble over counting Monopoly money, a feat which neither of my daughters will ever let me live down. When I've had to figure out how long to roast a chicken, my husband has kindly asked if I needed a calculator. My mother used to look at me with puzzled horror when I'd have to stop everything and work out what 33% off meant, usually with my fingers and toes.

And I'm certainly not the only one who is numerically-challenged; one of my oldest and dearest, Kelly, is as hopeless as myself. Once, when Kelly and I went out for dinner, we had to call the Mister so that he could tell us what to ;eave for a tip. (And she doesn't drink.) And before you get all "just add the taxes and you'll get the tip", it was before GST, and you think we can add the taxes together just like that? Himself sighed, and remarked that we were both a sad commentary on the public school system.

Math just.....puzzles me. It's like a whole other language, and a particularly boring one, at that. When I was instructed to "find the slope", I wondered what on earth they were talking about: "what slope? where? how does an incline have a value? who cares?" My math teachers despaired of me, and we parted company as soon as was possible, and we were all the happier for it.

I've lived a full and happy and productive life without ever knowing a smidgen of calculus or an iota of algebra. That isn't to say that I don't see any value in math, quite the contrary; there have been more than one occasion in my life where my inability to add numbers together has resulted in people asking if I should be allowed out by myself, but for the most part I have come to accept my failings and move on. I'd like to think that the part of my brain has never been able to do long division has been take up with other things, like remember the names of B-List movie stars, or flawlessly apply eyeliner while in a moving car.

If I need to find the value of x, I'm sure I can find someone to do it for me. Besides, it gives everyone in my family something to feel superior about.